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I found out June 1st. She got a whatsapp message from a coworker on a sunday, which I thought was odd. I looked. confronted her with screenshots—sexting, flirty messages, the works. She told him I knew before she apologized to me. Then she deleted everything.

She says she’s sorry. Says she wants to fix things. Says it was "just" sexting and feelings. No sex. As if that makes it easier to swallow.

He’s a senior at her job. She says he started it. The power imbalance is obvious, but she won’t call it harassment because "it was mutual." She won’t report him. Won’t leave the job. Still trying to manage the fallout instead of facing the full weight of it.

She sexted him from our bed. While I was downstairs. They went on a date—he put his hand on her leg and whispered everything he wanted to do to her. She swears nothing else happened beyond that. She lied and told me she was going out with friends from work.

I didn’t handle it well when I found out. I said awful things. I was emotionally abusive that night and the day after. I hate that part of the story too.

We’re on our second therapist now. She didn’t like the first one—said she felt like a villain. I’m on my third book about affairs and what comes after. She won’t read even one of them. Couldn’t even finish the book our first therapist gave us.

Now I can feel her wanting me to move on faster than I’m ready. Like I’m supposed to be done hurting on her timeline.

She’s saying all the right things—offering transparency, leaving her phone out, showing up for therapy. But gets angry when I'm randomly sad about what happened.

I’ve cried more than I ever thought I would. I’m still full of heartbreak, rage, nausea, and silence. I don’t know where to put any of it most days.

We have kids. A house. A whole life. But right now I just needed to put this somewhere that wasn’t inside me. Thanks for reading.

Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like your wife is ready for reconciliation yet. She hasn’t taken full responsibility for her actions and is protecting him rather than you and won’t leave her job so she is still seeing him. The affair has not ended if she is still seeing him. She is also likely not replying you the full truth. It wasn’t just messaging, she went on a date with him (and probably not just once). Adults don’t go on a date to chat, there was plenty of opportunity to act on their feelings physically whether on that date or at some other time. She wants you to sweep it under the rug so she can avoid all consequences. You can’t do that, with no consequences it will happen again because she will know you will just forgive her. For reconciliation to have any chance of being successful, she needs to come clean with everything that happened (maybe threaten a polygraph to get her to come clean), she needs to leave her job and go 100% no contact with him. This is all assuming when you get the full truth you still want to reconcile. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself, she doesn’t get to dictate how long it takes for you to heal, she should instead be doing whatever you ask to help you heal. Sorry you are here, it sucks, but you’ll get through it, with or without her!

I'm not sure if it's still going on or not. I want to believe that it's not.

She told her boss and HR that it happened, and had to sign something about it, which she let me read. I also sent his wife screenshots of their conversation, and she read them. He admitted in there that this wasn't his first affair.

Let's break it down:

I found out June 1st. She got a whatsapp message from a coworker on a sunday, which I thought was odd. I looked. confronted her with screenshots—sexting, flirty messages, the works. She told him I knew before she apologized to me. Then she deleted everything.

Before or after you got to read the full extent of their interactions? Your recovery window for deletion is very short these days. phones are better and better at deleting. You might be able to get her help recovering them with phonelab or similar software.

She says she’s sorry. Says she wants to fix things. Says it was "just" sexting and feelings. No sex. As if that makes it easier to swallow.

No way to know that's the truth without a written timeline and polygraph, or complete access to the messages confirming they didn't have sex.

He’s a senior at her job. She says he started it. The power imbalance is obvious, but she won’t call it harassment because "it was mutual." She won’t report him. Won’t leave the job. Still trying to manage the fallout instead of facing the full weight of it.

You can message HR about it. As long as she is at the job, the affair is effectively ongoing because she isn't "No Contact". Ask me how I know that staying at a job doesn't work.

She sexted him from our bed. While I was downstairs. They went on a date—he put his hand on her leg and whispered everything he wanted to do to her. She swears nothing else happened beyond that. She lied and told me she was going out with friends from work.

Back to written timeline and polygraph. I'm willing to hold out hope this is true. We've seen some recent examples of unlikely truths holding.

I didn’t handle it well when I found out. I said awful things. I was emotionally abusive that night and the day after. I hate that part of the story too.

You were emotionally abused. Whatever you said was basically in "emotional self defense". She has been lying to you and courting another man. Maybe she deserved to be called a cheating whore. Or whatever you called her.

We’re on our second therapist now. She didn’t like the first one—said she felt like a villain. I’m on my third book about affairs and what comes after. She won’t read even one of them. Couldn’t even finish the book our first therapist gave us.

Fun fact. She is the villain. She cheated. Not you. It isn't an equal playing field. There is an abuser and victim. First the abuse needs to stop, she needs to become safe, then you and her can work on a new relationship on a more even playing field.

The best books are "Not Just friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. The second book might feel too religious and heavy handed for your taste and definitely for hers. The lessons from that book are essentially correct even if you throw out the religious background. It is NOT too heavy handed even for an EA. Ask me how I know.

Now I can feel her wanting me to move on faster than I’m ready. Like I’m supposed to be done hurting on her timeline.

2-5 years.

She’s saying all the right things—offering transparency, leaving her phone out, showing up for therapy. But gets angry when I'm randomly sad about what happened.

What about the deleted messages?

I’ve cried more than I ever thought I would. I’m still full of heartbreak, rage, nausea, and silence. I don’t know where to put any of it most days.

We have kids. A house. A whole life. But right now I just needed to put this somewhere that wasn’t inside me. Thanks for reading.

Totally normal. Try to take care of yourself. Eat right, drink water, avoid booze. I totally get it.

I looked. confronted her with screenshots—sexting, flirty messages, the works. She told him I knew before she apologized to me. Then she deleted everything.

Putting her AP first over you. Destroyed evidence like that makes it go away.

She won’t report him. Won’t leave the job. Still trying to manage the fallout instead of facing the full weight of it.

Still putting AP and herself over your needs. You won't be able to reconcile with them still working together. The affair won't be fully over until she goes fully no contact. It may go dormant for a while, but chances are it will flair back up and she will be better at hiding it. I wouldn't put it past her to have a burner phone already. Even without she has plenty of other channels at work that will be hidden from you.

She says she’s sorry. Says she wants to fix things. Says it was "just" sexting and feelings. No sex. As if that makes it easier to swallow.

The fact she wants to "fix things" but not willing to do the most important fix of getting to no contact, leads me to believe that AP is married or otherwise not available for her. Someone who is sexting and going on dates will almost assuredly have had sex.

We’re on our second therapist now. She didn’t like the first one—said she felt like a villain. I’m on my third book about affairs and what comes after. She won’t read even one of them. Couldn’t even finish the book our first therapist gave us.

She is the villain. She just doesn't want to be held accountable for what she did. Again not much effort on her part is there?

She’s saying all the right things—offering transparency, leaving her phone out, showing up for therapy. But gets angry when I'm randomly sad about what happened.

She's not doing all the right things. Shes doing the bare minimum. The right thing to do when your betrayed partner is sad is not to get angry at the person they betrayed. For the WS who get it, when their BS is wallowing in pain, they get right down there with them. They feel ashamed and sad for how they damaged their spouse and family.

We have kids. A house. A whole life.

You can't reconcile with an unremorseful WS. It will only get worse the longer you go on with her just going through the minimum motions. That'll be toxic to you. If this is the best she can do, you should consider just filing and moving on.

[This message edited by grubs at 5:50 PM, Monday, August 4th]

Before or after you got to read the full extent of their interactions? Your recovery window for deletion is very short these days. phones are better and better at deleting. You might be able to get her help recovering them with phonelab or similar software.

It was on Whatsapp and Slack. I have screenshots of Whatsapp, but her AF deleted all of his chats on Slack. The only way I could get those is with a lawyer and her job. It was a week long affair as far as I know.

No way to know that's the truth without a written timeline and polygraph, or complete access to the messages confirming they didn't have sex.

One of the messages says "I know I can't have it, but I want to be your lover, and I want you to be mine." Her reply is "It's not that I don't want that. It's what I want and what I can live with myself over."

That gives me some hope it never got physical. Their messages follow a pattern: they start off talking about books and music, then he makes a flirty or inappropriate comment. At first, she tries to steer away, but he keeps pushing, and eventually she gives in. After that, it’s constant flirting from him. The next day, she tells him they need to stop and just stick to books and music. They do—for a message or two—then he ramps it up again. When she pulls back, he plays the victim, saying he scared her off or calling himself a monster. Then she comforts him and pulls him back in.

You can message HR about it. As long as she is at the job, the affair is effectively ongoing because she isn't "No Contact". Ask me how I know that staying at a job doesn't work.

Please tell me how you know. We have our second appointment with our new therapist today.

You were emotionally abused. Whatever you said was basically in "emotional self defense". She has been lying to you and courting another man. Maybe she deserved to be called a cheating whore. Or whatever you called her.

I called her worse than that. She recently lost a lot of weight, (around 100 pounds) and she had known this guy for 5 years. He was never interested in her until after that. I leaned in to that. I told her that we'd reconcile, and i'd get her divorce papers for christmas or our anniversary. I told her that the easiest thing she could do is kill herself and let me have the insurance money. It was not pretty.

Polygraph is interesting.

As long as she continues to work with him then the contact continues so even if they cool it for a little while the temptation will always be there so the odds are strong that it will flare up again. That’s why full no contact and leaving the job are a must for reconciliation to have a chance. Again, she seems to want to rug sweep and pretend it didn’t happen which you can not do, you will never heal from it so you build resentment for her and because she will not have faced any consequences what is her incentive to become a better person who would not cheat? Simply loving you and your children was not enough to keep her from cheating.

As long as she is at the job, the affair is effectively ongoing because she isn't "No Contact". Ask me how I know that staying at a job doesn't work.

Please tell me how you know. We have our second appointment with our new therapist today.

As it relates to how I know. I figured that the "limited to work only" contact would be OK in our case and that the electronic transparency was enough. We didn't really start healing until I got fed up with our attempt at R about a year later and asked for a divorce in writing. Only then did she actually leave her job. The fun part was that we had a whole back and forth about me needing her to realize this was the right thing instead of me forcing her to. I still don't feel like I forced her to, but that's kinda how it looks.

Anyway. Her staying in her job deeply damaged our first attempt at R.

Y'all should really get Individual Counseling first. The problem with early MC is that the affair is often treated no differently than another marital problem that is legitimately an area for compromise. This leads to blameshifting and retraumatization of the victim (you).

Here is an excerpt I've posted a few times about the "socks around the house" version of MC in the thread "what makes for a good MC?"

I have a hard time answering this question without getting a little "callback" joke to me walking out of my first MC's office.

Ask them if duty exists. Simple enough question, and very key in both infidelity and reconciliation. A question my first MC refused to answer after I explained that duty dictated why I did something.

Ask number two, "What can a person do to earn back trust?"

The MC needs to be the type that *will* actually hold the WS's feet to the fire and state plainly the having the affair is wrong, damaging, has killed all trust, and that recompense and rebuilding is necessary on the part of the WS.

The MC absolutely cannot be a "leave the socks around" therapist that treats an affair the same way as they treat a disagreement about one spouse leaving socks around the house wherever they happen to take them off. The actual conflict resolution or coping that you will get out of this type of MC is far too flexible. Emotional abuse is basically impossible for this type of MC to tell from a legitimate emotional desire.

Here's how this MC might sound

SOCKS VERSION:

MC: "How does it feel when you see your partners socks lying around the house?"

Clean Spouse: "I feel like they don't respect the effort it takes to keep the house clean."

MC: "Dirty spouse, see how that makes CS feel?"

DS: "Well it's just a pair of socks, I'm so tired at the end of the day. To me it's not a big deal. I'm just trying to relax in my own home and I get a huge sense of relief to just take my shoes and socks off when I get home and plop down. I mean to pick them up but I forget sometimes is all."

MC: "CS, see, DS doesn't see this action as disrespectful, they are just trying to relax, do you think you could just pick up the socks and give a friendly reminder when you do instead of letting this get you really mad?"

AFFAIR VERSION:

MC: "How does the affair make you feel?"

BS: "Unsafe, hurt, and betrayed. Like my whole life has been taken away from me."

MC: "See WS, BS is hurt, doesn't that make you want to stop the affair?"

WS: "I think that love is complicated and you can love multiple people. I don't see why my love for someone else hurts BS."

MC: "BS, see, they don't mean to hurt you. That relationship is important to WS. Can you see past your insecurity to let WS continue a relationship with AP, and just remind them that you make them the most important part of your relationship when they step out on you?"

Don't be surprised if some bullshit very close to this happens.

They really don't care who capitulates. They just try to make each person see the other person's view. They don't pass judgment and they don't arbitrate. They try to get you to agree no matter the cost to either individual. It's the M they are out to save.

I called her worse than that. She recently lost a lot of weight, (around 100 pounds) and she had known this guy for 5 years. He was never interested in her until after that. I leaned in to that. I told her that we'd reconcile, and i'd get her divorce papers for christmas or our anniversary. I told her that the easiest thing she could do is kill herself and let me have the insurance money. It was not pretty.

I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but almost everything you told her was probably the truth about how you felt in that moment betrayal, and not *just* for effect. "It would have been easier if you died" is a common feeling for a BS.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:17 PM, Monday, August 4th]

I think your wife is trying to get you to sweep this under the rug because SHE thinks this is "not cheating" and NO BIG DEAL b/c "nothing happened".

You don’t need my long drawn out saga but here is my experience. First affair / my H had a 4 year EA but he refused to admit it. In his mind no sex = no affair.

Finally ended and I allowed him to rugsweep it. All of it.

15 years later he has a midlife crisis affair.

I’m convinced b/c I let him rugsweep the first affair it was easier to cheat the second time.

I’m suggesting you stop letting your wife control this situation. The day I kicked my H to the curb after affair 2 was the day I took complete control of my life (and kids). He had NO power or the ability to say anything about anything.

I did the hard 180 and he realized he’d better do something—to start making amends. Not talking but actual work to show he was remorseful and committed to the marriage.

I suggest you tell your wife that she had 30 days to prove she’s invested in the marriage. Not talking or words but actually doing something to prove it (like quitting her job, looking for another job, blocking the guy on all devices and social media etc.).

She needs counseling. Professional counseling too.

And if you don’t see a change then you will ask her to leave and start a trial separation. And then do it!! Do. Not. Back. Down.

She might be mad at first but if she’s smart she will get her act together and do what is needed.

At the 30 day mark you should do the hard 180. Only talk to her if about kids or schedules or $. Start putting your $ in a separate bank account and cancel ALL joint credit cards. If she wants to ruin her credit let her. But don’t allow her to ruin yours.

You may think this is harsh but I was once you except my H planned to D me for the OW. I didn’t do anything but slam the door to his face and let him know he was not welcome due to his cheating and lying. I was now planning to D him and told him so.

I’m one of the people here at SI who is happily reconciled and happily married. You can get past this but only IF the cheater gets the message that this crap is not acceptable and you are not playing around.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:29 PM, Monday, August 4th]