SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can only speak for me.

The affair was a way to escape pain.

And before that, I felt emotionally numb.

And if you numb yourself long enough it does strange things like disconnects feelings of love, or caring about what happens to you personally.

There is often the thought that if you loved me you wouldn’t have been able to do it. And I would say that’s true to me. But I didn’t not feel love for things that belonged to him, my numbness would have existed no matter what he was presenting. I didn’t feel a lot of anything.

To me, ironically not having affairs is not a sacrifice or an obstacle. I did choose to have one but I never went looking for one or felt I was lacking in anything that I had to find elsewhere.

And then I found out I was lacking something that I was finding elsewhere but it was an artificially induced. The ability to feel something again. But it wasn’t the man, it was the adrenaline, dopamine, and validation that was making that numbness go away in favor of getting high. That’s what the affair was to me, getting high.

It’s not hard to understand when someone has a gambling addiction, it’s often the same way. Ignoring all the destruction and responsibilities by getting large hits of adrenaline and dopamine. And the contrast of the facing your reality is worsening so you keep doubling down on the thing that is making everything worse.

It may not be everyone’s experience but my affair was my darkest chapter. It is a time when I lost control of my life.

I think I have stronger gatekeepers than just love these days. Not only do I not ever want to feel the lows that I did, but I have a stronger relationship with my morals, a new perception of sex that no longer is shallow, and a new love and respect of myself.

So it’s very complicated for me, but certainly it’s not proof of my capacity to live my husband today. I can not change the rest of it, I just have to believe he is capable of grace.

HO, I wonder if this is where my wife was operating from. She was definitely in a lot of pain. Her condition returning after going 25 years medication and seizure free was the first blow. Then her seizures ramping up in frequency to the point that her dr told her she was no longer safe to drive really pushed her over the edge.

She viewed me as a cheerleader for his decision. I pressed the issue because I didn't feel she was safe to drive anymore.

I'd witnessed enough seizures and she'd gotten into a fender bender in a parking lot.

It wasn't just a fender bender. She drove over several curbs, took out a couple of bushes and small trees, a goodwill donation box, and t boned a freaking Cadillac Escalade.

For those who don't know, an Escalade is a $100,000 vehicle. Not that the cost of it was the biggest thing for me. Her safety and the safety of those on the road with her were my priority, but of all vehicles for her to plow into... it was totaled.

Her being told she was no longer safe to drive was devastating for her.

Getting her drivers license was something that was a challenge for her. It was something that represented a real accomplishment. It represented independence, autonomy, and normalcy for her. Now she has to depend on me for pretty much everything that involves travel. She was absolutely miserable. We weren't getting along very well for several months when Mr wonderful (who also has epilepsy and drives despite being warned) came along.

When we have talks about this, her losing her driving privileges comes up over and over. She doesn't use it as an excuse for her cheating, but she can't stress enough the impact it had on her mental well being. It really pushed her over the edge and she was miserable. She was so angry at me for pushing the issue with her dr.

She's not angry anymore and expresses a lot of gratitude toward me for being here for her. I'm her chauffeur and she actually appreciates it now. One of the things she says when I start spiraling is that she'll never drive again for the rest of her life if it means me staying with her.

Which honestly doesn't to a whole lot for my grief when I go there, but the significance of her saying that isn't lost on me considering just how badly she took it when she was first told not to drive.

It was like she lost her mind when she got that directive from her dr. She was so angry, miserable and depressed.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:29 AM, Thursday, November 5th]

Short answer: yes.

Long answer: yes, but you may also have loving feeling for someone, and being prevented to allow yourself to love and be loved, because you never matured enough to learn to love yourself first.

Feeling of Unworthiness is the nemesis of love, it becomes a romantic intangible idea that you crave, you may touch, but the lack of self love is a glass panel that prevents you to allow it in and out.

The need to love alone is not enough to make it happen until you break that barrier and allow yourself to commune with it.

It stays a fantasy, and fantasies can’t protect or safeguard anything.

Love is stronger than the craving for it.
That is the ultimate gatekeeper, but it always starts with you.

HikingOut,

Your story shared here of your personal fall and self-redemption deeply touches my heart. Much of what you have said here, I have heard my wife express. Thank you for sharing such a personal insight, for it gives valuable information to those of us whose spouses strayed. We tend to blame ourselves and/or think our spouses are immoral creatures without any care for us. As I read more from waywards and listen to my wife with less judgement I see clearer that the reasons for many, maybe most affairs goes far beyond either of those conclusions. This brings me a great deal of inner peace, thank you.

Asterisk

This0is0fine,

I've ranted on love enough.
Suffice it to say love is far more likely to be used to justify infidelity than to prevent it.

There is a message intended here but I am confused as to what it is. Are you willing to elaborate?

Asterisk

Pogre,

I am sorry to read about your wife’s medical condition and how it contributed to her making poor choices. At the end of your share here it appears she has found herself again and has found gratitude for you. That is wonderful and amazing and a strong statement of you and your care for her and your ability to allow for the change.

To stay "caring" verses going "cold" after infidelity was for me, one of the two forces I found myself in an internal battle for I was being tugged like a rope in a game of tug-a-war. Do I stay warm and vulnerable or cold and numb?

Asterisk

BackFromTheStorm,

Short answer: yes.
Lower: yes, but you may also have loving feeling for someone, and being prevented to allow yourself to love and be loved, because you never matured enough to learn to love yourself first.

I am guessing you are answering my question; Is love the gatekeeper to infidelity? I once believed it was and I believe you are saying it is, correct? That love (proper, mature love) is the ultimate gatekeeper, right?

As much as I would like to agree, I no longer do. Not from a position of bitterness, but from experiences that have reshaped my beliefs on the power of love. That all said, I am wavering on it for maybe there is an ultimate love that is always true and faithful. But does any human contain it would then be my next question.
Thank you for your clear worded thoughts and conclusions.

Asterisk

Pogre,

I am sorry to read about your wife’s medical condition and how it contributed to her making poor choices. At the end of your share here it appears she has found herself again and has found gratitude for you. That is wonderful and amazing and a strong statement of you and your care for her and your ability to allow for the change.

To stay "caring" verses going "cold" after infidelity was for me, one of the two forces I found myself in an internal battle for I was being tugged like a rope in a game of tug-a-war. Do I stay warm and vulnerable or cold and numb?

Asterisk

I appreciate the kind words, Asterisk. Thank you.

You know, I never lost that caring. We had so many battles over the driving thing. It got ugly for a while, and she was just so stubborn and so hurt by her loss of independence and her sense of normalcy that she was blinded by the danger involved with continuing to drive. We had on particularly bad argument one morning where I hit the brakes hard enough for her phone to fly out of her lap and hit the floor. I raised my voice at her.

"Don't you understand that this is life or death? You could end up dead or on life support with tubes coming out of your face while I have a Dr asking me whether or not to pull the plug! What if someone else gets hurt or killed? WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!"

Not my finest moment, but god, it was so frustrating. Things changed between us after that morning. She grew more distant. It was about a month before her AP inserted himself into the picture.

After d day there was such a profound shift in her attitude about it that I actually felt more relief than resentment. She realized what she almost so casually and callously threw away. She gets it now. It's been over a year and a half and she hasn't wavered or walked it back at all.

I'm not saying that I'm immune to rumination or the occasional spiral still, but her drastic shift in attitude and appreciation has gone such a long way toward repairing things. She hasn't left me guessing. There's no ambiguity at all. I really feel like she's deeply remorseful and has learned such a huge and devastating lesson.

At my expense, but learn from this she did. Our marriage today doesn't resemble the old marriage at all now. Our sex life is off the charts and has been for the last year and a half. It may have started out as hysterical bonding, but it's morphed into our new normal. It hasn't slowed down at all, and there's no sign it will. We're both very enthusiastic participants.

I just wish I could enjoy it for what it is, but that dark cloud still hangs over what should be some real moments of joy, and that's what I struggle with still today. The closer we are now sometimes just triggers me to think about what she was willing, even if for just a few weeks, to throw away so recklessly and thoughtlessly. It sometimes makes the sexual injury that much more pronounced, too.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:21 PM, Thursday, November 5th]