SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin.

I am 45, he is 52. My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years, together for like 25. We have no children. We have not been physically intimate in quite awhile (maybe 8-9 years) but otherwise generally have a good relationship. He has been unemployed for over a year and has not been able to find a job other than working a couple nights a week at a local brewery his BIL is the manager at. He also has DM Type 2 which he does not manage very well.

D Day was Tuesday and every time I think things have started to settle, I find something else that sends me back into an emotional tailspin. I was able to get an urgent appointment with my therapist today. I am a strong person and I am already exhausted. I keep finding more things I want to confront my husband with and I am so fucking tired. I am also the only one working full time in our house currently and he is financially dependent on me. It has been so difficult for me to focus on work this week.

The thing that I am struggling with the most right now is my husband's adamant denial that he lied to me, and the minimization of his behaviors. Because he claims nothing physical ever happened, he doesn't think he cheated. He will admit that some of it was inappropriate (his contact with an ex-girlfriend of his for more than a decade unbeknownst to me, and messages between them from a few months ago where he talked about missing sex with her, missing her "friskiness," details about our sex life and lack of intimacy, and talking about how if she came to visit him at the bar that he currently is working at a few nights a week they would end up in a motel).

He is agreeable to going to MC (I demanded it). Our first appt is next week. I am also a therapist. He has had some negative experiences with therapists in the past (before we were ever together) and is convinced that they are not to be trusted. I think this is an easy excuse for him to avoid self-reflection. We tried going to MC previously and had maybe 3 or 4 sessions and then things did improve for a little while and we stopped. So I guess we will see how it goes. I am not very optimistic that he will actually take it seriously or engage in a genuine way. My husband is also very, very depressed and has been for a long time, but refuses to entertain things that would help him immensely like individual therapy or medication. I also live with MDD, GAD, and PTSD and have been on medication and in my own therapy for many years which is why I am still here.

The other thing that is weighing heavy on my mind is that I inherited my childhood home about 4 years ago after my mother died and we have been in the long process of rehabbing/renovating it so we can move there. It is a beautiful house in a great neighborhood and holds a lot of value both financially and psychologically (for me). I am deeply, deeply terrified that if things do not get better and I try to move forward with divorce he will try to take the house from me, even though he swears he would never do that. It is titled in both of our names. He swore a lot of other promises to me that he broke too, and I don't believe anything he says right now. I know what people are capable of.

My heart hurts. I feel like I have been gutted from the inside out. I miss my mom so much. She helped me get through being cheated on by my first love and first real relationship. I don't feel like eating. I have been forcing myself to do so. I am still sleeping ok (that has blessedly always been something solid and consistent in my life). I saw my best friend last night and spent some time with her. She is an amazing support. I have another friend who understands and is a support as well. I just feel lost, and angry, and very uncertain about the future.

Thanks for listening. <3

I am so sorry you’re going through this Betwixt.

There is not much you can do if he won’t admit to his affair or get any of the help he needs. All you can do is take care of yourself, which it sounds like you’re doing.

Sending suppport.

You are a therapist, so you know you can’t make him do anything. He has to want to and choose to. And he depends on your income as a therapist but doesn't trust them? Seriously?

You are scared of Divorce (D) and losing your home. The only way to combat that is knowledge. Knowledge is power. Go see a few lawyers and learn what D would actually look like in your state.

Why isn’t he working? gas stations are hiring, UPS is hiring - there is SOME job out there he can find if he really wants to. It may not be a great job, but it is something. Things are tough out there, but is he really looking hard for a job?

I think MC (marriage counseling) is premature. Your M may have problems, but he cheated. He is depressed. He is not working. He is not being honest. He need IC to figure out why he is doing this and stop. You need IC to understand why you are allowing him to take advantage of you and to decide what you really want. He needs to fix himself first and then you can see if the M can be saved. But he has to become a safe partner first, and you need to heal.

Recovery from infidelity is a multi-year process. So take a deep breath and realize it is going to take time whether you R or D.

some things to help
1) read in this forum and the healing library. Look for the posts with the bullseyes (may have to go a few pages back) as they are especially pertinent. Do not accept blame for his lying or cheating. He may be depressed or unhappy, but there are other ways to handle it that don’t involve PA or EA (emotional affairs).

2) take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, get some daily exercise, sleep when you can. These help your body, your mind and your emotions. Avoid drugs and alcohol. If you can’t eat or keep food down, sip on protein shakes during the day. If you can’t sleep talk to your doctor.

3) if there has been ANY intimate contact with your H, you need to get STI/STD tested. Cheaters lie and lie some more. So get tested just in case. Do not have unprotected sex with him until he has also been tested and shown you the results.

4) See a few lawyers. Knowledge is power. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you from exploring all options. Talk to lawyers and see what a D can look like. You don’t have to file- this is just gathering knowledge. You don’t need to tell him you are doing this. There very well may be ways you can keep your home but split your retirement savings differently, for example. Learn the truth. Also inheritance can be handled differently - talk to a lawyer to find out your options.

5) Read up on the 180. It is a way to give your brain some space to think. Sleep in a different room if it helps you.
Get the space you need to not be triggered.

6) Who do you have IRL life to talk to?

7) Stop driving the bus on repairing this. He broke it - he needs to be figuring out how to fix it. He works part time so he has time to do the research, find a therapist, read books, etc. And you can’t recover from the A until you have the full truth. So unless he is going to be 100% truthful, you are pushing a rock uphill.

8) Read the book "How to help your spouse heal from infidelity" by Linda McDonald. It’s really short and will show you what you need to heal. Have him read it, too. And if he pushes back, drags his heels, or refuses, well that tells you something.

You will survive this. take care of yourself. Keep reading and keep posting.

He continued to deny "anything" happened yet every interaction was done in secrecy. Why?

He. Knew. It. Was. Wrong.

Tell him as a matter of considering R that you want a post nup and the deed to the home in your name alone.

If R is successful, you can change the deed bs j to joint names.

I demanded a post nup to even consider R. I am financially protected in case of D. It is legal and will hold up in court. I separated all credit cards so he is solely responsible for his debts and obligations— they do not become part of my credit history.

I hope this helps you.

betwixtbirthanddeath, I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here. You've gotten great advice from everyone so far.

My question to you, are you taking care of yourself?

This is an awful time in your life. Being constantly gas lighted will wear you thin. Do you have a friend to confide in? Are you bareing this alone?

Are you getting any exercise? Drinking plenty of water?

Stay away from the alcohol.

In my opinion, just from seeing it play out here and in real life, you are way too early for marital counseling. He needs to find out why he felt the need to cheat. This wasn't a marital breakdown but a personal one on his part.

In the meantime, please take take care of yourself. Nashe sure you're eating, even if it's just a protein bar.

God bless

With you being a counselor I'm guessing the advice to avoid marriage counseling this early on might seem counterintuitive. A lot of that sentiment comes from counselors who tend to use the unmet needs model. Which is legitimate for a lot of problems, but when it comes to infidelity that model has a sneaky (and sometimes obvious) way of blaming the betrayed spouse, even if only partly, for decisions made by the cheater.

That can be devastating for a betrayed spouse who is already dysregulated and traumatized from the attachment wound. If you do go forward with it, make sure you find a good counselor who is willing to hold his feet to the fire. There may be legitimate issues in your marriage that absolutely should be addressed, but the most egregious wound needs to be stabilized first, and that's the infidelity wound. If there's been an accident and you're in triage, your gaping head wound gets treated first before his sprained knee.

Blaming the marriage is wrong, imo. The marriage didn't decide to cheat, he did. He had many different options to address any grievances and he chose the most destructive one. Why he did that is what needs to be worked on. Not you leaving dishes in the sink or a lack of intimacy.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but this is a good group of folks who understand what you're going through. There's a lot to be gained from the collective wisdom here, tho there's not one size fits all answer for everything. You can take what works for you and discard the rest. No one will judge you for it.

Even if lack of intimacy for this long might be a good reason to end a relationship (imagine if you would accept withdrawal of emotional intimacy for 8-9 years), it is still not a reason to cheat.

Betrayal is sexual and emotional abuse, causing depo trauma in the victim (you).

You have been heard sister, we understand what you are going through and how important is for you to voice your emotions through the chaos storming inside you.

You are a professional, so you know very well that emotional or physical affairs are the same. Is sexual in nature no matter if there is intercourse or not.

What he does is minimization, blame shifting and trickle truth.

The usual suspects that we see every single time.

You deserve better.
Put yourself first and set your boundaries.

You have been heard

First things first, see a lawyer as soon as possible. Second thing, see a doctor for anxiety meds. They can be temporary but they will help you I. And third go back and do number one. You have got to get your financial and legal issues settled immediately.y

Post-nup, post-nup, post-nup

Post-nup, post-nup, post-nup

Got one, got one, got one

How are you doing betwixtbirthanddeath.

I am surviving. I am eating and taking care of myself as well as I can.

The past month has been a lot.

My husband and I went away for a week to mark our 17th wedding anniversary. The beginning of the trip was hard. I spent the first few days crying intermittently and had a horrible nightmare a few nights in about me confronting him about his affair and him laughing at me. He said I made a "horrible sound" when I woke up and got up with me while I went to get some tea and calm down so I could go back to sleep. It really seemed to disturb him. As the week progressed things got easier. The last day we actually had a really wonderful day together.

During our trip on the last evening there was some physical intimacy between us which I definitely initiated. Intercourse did not happen. He said that his body does not behave the same way that it used to when he was younger and was apologetic. I told him that knowing that there is desire there, even if it is imperfect, means a lot to me. We are going to have to talk about this in therapy because I feel it definitely is connected to his emotional infidelity with his ex. I know he has to feel comfortable and I am also feeling impatient.

Since we got back from the trip life has been really crazy. I got a call early in the morning from one of my oldest friends 2 days after we got back that her eldest son had died by suicide. She was in crisis and needing my support which I have been trying to give her and her husband. Her son was only 23. I am not related to him by blood but he was essentially my nephew and losing him has been just fucking awful. I have been in crisis mode and also grieving myself when I allow myself to. My husband has been trying to be supportive while also being in shock.

Things have been progressing with the house but this has also been stressful as we are discovering more things we have to address such as the hot water heater and the steam boiler. My husband had a job interview for a very promising position earlier this week. We are both trying not to be too hopeful while also really hoping that this happens for him. It would be a big stress reliever to him to be offered this position.

We have seen the MC 2x, mainly focused on intake questions. Last session we talked about what brought us to therapy. He acknowledged in the session that it entirely his fault and that he doesn't harbor any anger towards me for "doing what she felt she needed to do" by looking at his messages on his computer. He acknowledged that the way he talked to his ex was completely inappropriate and that he should have told me that he was in contact with her. He continues to deny that he met up with his ex for lunch after he was diagnosed with DM2. I don't know why she would have lied to me about that detail. The therapist asked me what he needs to do in order to work towards regaining my trust. I honestly don't know.

[This message edited by betwixtbirthanddeath at 4:11 PM, Friday, September 18th]

The therapist asked me what he needs to do in order to work towards regaining my trust. I honestly don't know.

That's not an easy question to answer. There isn't a clean answer to it. It's more like a list. A great big list that a person could start on, but maybe never complete.

Keep your guard up with this therapist. There are some good marriage therapists out there who do great work when it comes to infidelity, but there sure are a bunch of them whose focus is strictly on saving the marriage. That can include implicitly or even explicitly putting some share of the blame for infidelity on the betrayed spouse. The unmet needs model is a popular one with some of the more old school counselors.

Be careful about that because it's pure bunk when it comes to infidelity, imo. Every marriage has issues, but not everyone chooses infidelity as a solution. That's purely on the the betrayer, not the betrayed. Don't accept any blame for your husband's choices. I'd fire a therapist who hints at it and won't adjust. The most immediate and egregious wound right now is the betrayal trauma. Whatever other issues exist, while they need to be addressed, can be put on the back burner until the most fatal wound is stabilized first.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:34 PM, Friday, September 18th]

I will give him this:

In today’s job-environment 40 seems to be some cut-off age.

I have a former colleague who worked as a programmer with the same company (where I am right now) for over 20 years before being terminated. There were reasons for that – he is a bit… different… but the quality of his work was top-rate.

Took him nearly a year to find a new job. During that period, he entered a program called something like "How to apply for a job at an advanced age"… A course for job seekers over 40… advanced age…

He shared that for many jobs there was a test – and that test often was based on theory. The theory newly graduated applicants still knew, but anyone with over 10 years of experience had long forgotten. Not being able to recall the Unit Of Production depreciation method versus Straight Line depreciation might be the difference between being passed over or getting an interview…

I can share that after over a year searching, he got a job as a travelling salesman. To all it seems like a step down, career and income. My friend - He’s over the moon and embraced the career-change. Just happy to be working.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:43 PM, Friday, September 18th]