Hello all,
It has now been one year since DDay.
Quick recap: I had an A in college 13 years ago and never confessed to my H (then boyfriend). After my confession, there was abuse and he also confessed more recent infidelities. We tried to rebuild our marriage for a short time but ultimately divorced. We are on good terms but very low contact.
It has been a year. In this year, I went to an outpatient trauma facility, did more therapy than I ever thought possible, and did everything that scared me. I have traveled alone and gone solo camping. I have sat in the midst of my pain, shame, and grief and allowed myself to feel it all.
The pain still comes and goes. I can manage my emotions now, and I face them. I am a buffalo.
I worry about my exH but I remind myself it is not my place to insert myself, so I will always love him and hope the best for him from afar. I have reached a peace and acceptance that I cannot change the past and I can only be better today and in the future.
I have remained committed to my radical honesty and integrity. I have told uncomfortable truths to everyone around me, I have set boundaries, and I have focused on friendships and healthy behaviors. I have started gardening, and have grown my own herbs, fruits, and vegetables, along with some lovely flowers for myself. My ex's family-who is aware of the entire situation-is still supportive to me, as they are my only family (exH gave his blessing to them to continue having a relationship with me). I am grateful for their love every day, along with the love and support of my wonderful and forgiving and gracious friends.
My story is a bit different here because I am a WW that is no longer with her BH. I have done the best I can since DDay, and that is all I can do. I still struggle with shame at times, and guilt most times, but I no longer allow it to consume me in a selfish way.
I still experience a lot of grief. I grieve the 15 year relationship with my exH, and the companionship and love we shared. I grieve a family-mostly I grieve a mother figure. I grieve the future that was lost from the end of a marriage. I grieve the loss of the only reality we both ever knew.
I focus on serenity. Peace is temporary, and requires a calmness and cooperation of outside forces that are out of our control. Peace is lost the moment hardship arrives. Serenity is the calm within- regardless of outside factors, whether things in life are good or bad, I can navigate anything. I have learned to be strong and stand on my own.
Wishing everyone well on this website, may you all have a moment of peace and serenity this week.
