SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I love my wife. Together 10 years. Married 5.
Things were great in the beginning. But as time went on, we had a daughter, and we became more house mates that had sex once or twice every year quarter. Bickering has always existed between us.
Last year we my wife got pregnant for the 2nd time. Which was something we wanted. Then a few months later panic and stress filled my wife regarding money, how will we cope. This sent her into a very distant and grumpy person. On top of that, she no longer wanted me to kiss, touch let alone have sex with her. She felt undesirable, and began pushing me away.
On several occasions I was told to go and find someone who will want you (although I believe she was bluffing, it put the question in my head) maybe I do still have it to attract someone else!?
So I went onto Fabswingers and had a snoop about. I was amazed! I had several women approaching me over the course of 8 months. Then I met Sarah. We went for a dinner and then had an overnight at the restaurant. This was the moment I panicked.

Sarah and I got on far to well for two people looking for casual FWBs it felt fresh and completely natural together. This was Early march. Since then we have met up several times, for lunch, dinner, overnights and just general chit chat getting to know eachother.

My wife and I had a sit down talk and I explained that although I still love her. I don't know if we're both In Love with eachother. I feel disconnected from my wife. I imagine it's just because it's new and exciting with Sarah that it feels this way. But what can I do!? I love my wife, and I crave the time I get with Sarah.

I can't leave my wife. She's pregnant and doesn't deserve this.
I never intended for it to get like this.

Neither woman knows of the other. Sarah believes I am married but separated.

Unknown to me until recently, Sarah has also gone through Terrible relationships in the past and is slow to trust. Yet with me she says she feels completely safe and secure.

I am so stuck. I want them to fuse together and become one person.

The best thing to do is get into therapy and go no contact with your affair partner.

Once she finds out the truth she isn’t going to want anything to do with you. You think continuing to see her will make her feel safe which in reality all you are doing is leading her on, allowing her to fall for you under dishonest circumstances. This is never going to result in anything that can last.

Therapy can help you sort yourself out so you can work on what you want to ultimately do about your marriage and prepare to confess.

You say you wish you could merge the two women together, which you know is impossible, instead you are setting yourself up to lose both.

I can tell you from experience that affairs are a lot of smoke and mirrors, some of what you feel is artificial as it’s infused by the circumstances of the affair. In reality, what you are doing to both of them is incredibly destructive to you as well. This is not the ma you want to be, and until you learn how to walk in the steps of the man you want to be, you are a danger to all romantic partners.

I know this sounds harsh but you need to wake up.

I know. I know how damaging and destructive this is. To everyone involved.
I just really don't know what's best anymore.
I know something has to happen.

If kids were not in this equation, I'd leave. But they are, and I can't.

I really thought post 30s life would get easier.

It didn't sound harsh to me. I need to hear these things. I just have no idea how to decide, or what path is the least damaging to these two women. And children..

Hi there Cameo17,

Welcome to SI. This place helped me so much to navigate the path out of infidelity and its aftermath and I hope it can help you too.

Right now you are framing it as a choice, as your choice, between your wife and your AP. I thought this way too and it took me a good long while to realize that the choice wasn't between BS and AP but between mental health and not mental health. You aren't a safe person to be in relationship right now, not a real and authentic relationship. Both of your relationships are based on lying, hiding and controling information. You say you love your wife, but what you're doing right now is not loving. It's just getting your perceived needs met at other people's expense. Why is it that you're willing and able to do that? That's the question you need to answer. There is a difference between the reasons you felt tempted (lack of sex, money stress, whatever it was) and the reasons you were actually able to go through with it and continue it even now.

hikingout gave you terrific advice. Stop lying to AP. Tell her the truth and end the affair. She'll likely end it for you. Get into therapy and start trying to figure out how and why you have been able to make these choices, and prepare to disclose the truth to your wife. Then buckle up. The reconcilation process is not for the faint of heart.

If you are looking at "what's best" through the lens of "how can I come out of this getting what feels good to me right now (AP) and not come off looking like a terrible person for leaving my pregnant wife", you're most likely going to go on as you are, fucking other people over to get what you want in the moment whether that's feeling good or preserving your self-image, regardless of who you are "with" at any given moment.

It takes so much courage, Cameo17 to drop your defenses, tell the truth, let the chips fall and then begin the heavy lifting of repairing the relationship (if BS is willing to try and you want to try) and rewiring your brain to become a safe partner. It's long and difficult journey, but the work is 1000% worth it.

There's more I could say but for now keep reading and posting. Start educating yourself on the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. And get into therapy.

Proceed with conviction and valor. Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

It didn't sound harsh to me. I need to hear these things. I just have no idea how to decide, or what path is the least damaging to these two women. And children..

It’s too late for that, the damage is already done they just don’t know yet. To continue this situation with knowledge they don’t have is taking advantage of their innocence.

Hi,

You have already received excellent advice.

Your mind is probably crafting justifications on why this affair is not "that"bad. That you deserve to be happy. And you do. But not like this.

You may feel at a crossroad now, but it’s not exactly like that. Let’s imagine you decide to leave your wife for the other woman. It’s not going to be an easy process, for yourself included. Imagine the impact on your pregnant wife, your child, your newborn, agreeing on co-parenting, agreeing on the house, the effect on finances. The sense of guilt. The judgement of extended family.

All of this while trying to establish a new relationship with a person who has already been lied to and therefore will also carry pain and will need support.

This is not to say you have to be stuck in a loveless marriage. But in this way you are bringing wreck and pain to all parties involved.

I understand it may be hard to give up on something that at the moment is making you feel better. But this is also how affairs work. The rush of adrenaline, excitement, ego boost. But the moment you see your wife or your child’s pain, everything will change.

End things with the AP. Sort things out with your wife. And then you can start a new path.

Also please remember that the arrival of children puts every couple (even the solid ones) under a lot of pressure. It’s a phase. You will need to work on that (together) and it can be overcome.

Good luck and be strong