SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For context my husband did not have a PA or even an EA. He has a history of online contact with other women through dating and eventually hookup sites to suggest meetung up for sex. This has been off an on, Mostly off, for the past 20 years, Dday was 2014. All evidence shows no meetings ever happened. And I dug A LOT, Reconciliation took us to 2018. I found out a year ago that he had been chatting up women starting again in early 2023 on Facebook and Instagram and they moved hom to whatsapp. Not really any sexual talk on his part, but they did send him provocative pictures, which he seemed to enjoy as he complimented them, something he has never done with me.but mostly eventually shut the conversations off often not before aaying something like, "yes i would like to see you naked but im married."I confronted, he mostly stopped. He really didn't cross any lines as he did the last time, however, this behaviour was hurtful because it took a lot if time away from me. He was always on his phone even when he was sitting beside me, or when family was visiting, which I told him often irritated me. It was also hurtful because of his past history of reaching out to other women. . He knew it was wrong because, before he knew I had read many of the cobversations he tried to hide and excuse it as business conversations which they clearly were not. However About a month ago I found a recording of a video call he had with a women on Facebook in Nov 2023. He made the call from his downstairs office while I was sitting upstairs in the living room . She was showing her tits and more and she easily convinced him to give her his ohibe number and then show her his penis on camera. There was no sound but I could read their ongoing conversation. Within 5 minutes she revealed she was trying to sextort him. Even though it turns out this wasn't a real person, it was ovvious to me upon review it was a video as you could see the cuts. He thought it was real and he was having a sexual encounter with someone outside our marriage. He agrees this is intimate betrayal even though it wasn't physical. He is a changed man. He realizes the stupidity of what he has been doing for so many years seeking validation and ego kibbles and pushing me away convinced i didnt really care even though i told him every night i loved him, he would give me " love ya too. " he has realized everything he always wanted ,all the lOVe validation, friendship and great sex, was right in front of him the whole time. I want to emphasis it wasnt a horrible marriage, just lacking. He really is like a new man, extremely loving, attentative, happy, affectionate, at peace willing to work on emotional availability and communicating like he never has before. We have had a lot of discussions about his behaviour and he is deeply embarrassed and shameful. He is there for me when I get triggered, upset or sad, or angry. You may recall I punched acwall and nearly broke my hand. He accepts no matter the issues in our marriage this behaviour is all on him. . So my question is. Should I just let this go? I'm dontt think we are rugsweeping as we have discussed this a lot in the past month, in a depth we didn't do the last time, especially me pushing him to examine why this keeps happening instead of just saying " I don't remrmver" or " I don't know" However we are in our twilight years,he's 72 im 63. His health is decent but he has some heart issues due to a vaccine injury. And honestly who knows how long we have together. We have a great life which has just got even better due to improved communication . BTW he was moving towards this a couple of months before the latest dDay, which is why I went digging because his behaviour was so different I knew something was off. I have some minor doubts as to the extent of this behaviour, ie there may have been more than one attempt at connecting, but i dont. Think there were other calls although, I don't want to waste my time on digging fir more evidence- the video was clear enough there was intimate betrayal. I also don't want to waste time rehashing and endless emotional discussions. Should I just accept it is in the past, it happened, he's remorseful and just let it go? Accept the triggers are going to be there and let them gradually fade without endless discussions? Ir am I being naive and this is rugsweeping?

[This message edited by lizziej at 1:26 PM, Sunday, June 22nd]

I am truly sorry you are going through this. I am sure other people will be along soon to offer their experiences strength and hope.

That said, I personally experienced the neglect that came from the focus on fantasy and online activities. Had exwh put the kind of energy into nurturing his relationship with me and marriage building and protecting that he put into perusing online fantasy, we could have had a fabulous marriage. He knew what to do to build a marriage and would act that way when it suited him (damage mitigation).

But looking back I can see that it would have taken heroic self work for him to move from self centered (how it felt for him in the moment) to partnership-centered (what is good for and protective of the marriage) life.

I am sure glad I didn't just move on. We have many long hard conversations in the last month. I just would not let it go for him to truly look at the pattern of his innapropriate behaviour and seek to find out the whys. I also begged for him to tell me the truth about what else he wasn't telling me. I just knew there was a missing piece and he was continuing to gaslight me.

Turns out he finally admitted what he had been hiding for 25 years- he had been watching porn anywhere from 3 days a week to daily for about 25 years.

This addiction was rewiring his brain and was driving the innapropriate behaviour.

I feel like he is FINALLY doing the self reflection he never did before.

Things are worse and better. Worse because the 2-5 year healing time is reset once again. Better because I finally have a but more truth that makes things make more sense. And better because he confessed to something that I didn't have a clue about because he knew we couldn't heal unless this was out in the open

If there’s dirt on the floor that just won’t come up, no matter how much you try, putting a rug over it might be the best thing to do.

Better than seeing it all the time.

Best wishes.

Lizzie, You have to decide if you're accepting or rug-sweeping. From what you write, I see why you're questioning yourself.

R is much more about the future than the past. If you think your WS is turning into the partner you want, you're accepting. If there are red flags you're ignoring, maybe you're rug-sweeping. No matter what, though, R requires going through a period of uncertainty, so I think you're dealing with an unavoidable dilemma.

I can see covering a stain on a floor with a rug. I just think an M is a relationship, not a floor, and if one partner keeps disappointing the other, maybe the relationship isn't working well enough to continue.