SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please see the link on my last message. Basically my WS had an EA with my close friend and neighbour - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=662682&HL=84713

This was 15 months ago and we are now divorcing after failing at R. Basically he got so angry at my 'spirals' and afterwards wouldnt speak to me for days or weeks which I found really hard to deal with. He is now saying I do not offer him trust or stability. This is due to be visiting a solicitor to get some advice, writing on this forum, telling his family at what he did and speaking to her spouse to get the real story. Over the year my gut was screaming at me he was not telling the truth and I got so angry (one night a punched his arm 3 times when sitting in the car but he now tells people I beat him - Im very ashamed at this and it was not me). Turns out it was not comfort and caring that crossed the line, but a full blown EA. They got caught in the Nov by her husband and then they reconnected 2 weeks later, so it was a choice! He was told by her Husband that it was an EA but when he told me he made out that he had never heard of the term before.

He left 6 months ago and he is full of hate for me, resentment and bitterness. He is saying I'm a narcissist (my therapy has confirmed Im not at all, more empath) and that Ive created a smear campaign on him (Im only telling friends the truth, that he cheated and left me with ptsd) . He is also fuming that Im dating, nothing serious but its nice to have male company (he found this out by tracking my car and watching our cctv seeing me leave and go).

He also still says she was just being a good friend and he can go back there now which Im finding really hard to deal with, but he was unhappy in the marriage, was never seen and I was controlling and abusive. I honestly feel I have never been controlling, but I did take on more and more chores/work/care of the children/life admin as he just seemed to get more distant and did not help much (apart from sit on the sofa and drink wine every night)

I am so sad, I don't know what Ive done to warrant this hate. He has changed so much, he is like a different person and is so changed from the man I loved. I just wanted to ask if this is normal behaviour? I tried so hard to support him in his depression, his healing and tried to save the the marriage but I feel like such as failure.

Trix123, your husband is pissed off at and hateful toward you because you didn't just shut up and let him cheat on you. You held him accountable for his own actions. You didn't accept the silent treatment from him. You sought advice and legal counsel. You spoke with OBS directly, which made it impossible for him to continue the affair. You told his family, which he thinks made him look bad and stopped him from portraying any problems in the marriage as your fault. He wanted to play as much as he wanted and not face consequences. He's angry that you're moving on with your life and seeing other people instead of being his wife appliance.

So to answer your question, yes, his behavior is pretty typical of a selfish, unremorseful cheater who wants to portray himself as a victim. He's projecting his own bad behavior on to you.

You did not fail to save the marriage-- he failed you, first by cheating on you, and second, by not accepting the consequences for his actions and making a good faith effort at reconciliation. I think that, once he's no longer in your life and you have time and clarity to reflect on who he is as a person, you will see that he has always been a selfish, controlling, and abusive person... you just notice how bad it was until after Dday.

Hello Trix:

This "failure" is not on you. It's on him. Divorcing him is not a failure. To the contrary - it's a triumph!

Eventually, hope you'll recognize that divorcing him was one of the smartest, bravest and best things you ever did for yourself.

Agree with BTB. Yes, once he's out of your life and you've taken the time to process the marriage, I too bet you'll realize he's always been a jerk. You were like the proverbial frog slowly boiled in the proverbial pot of hot water - you grew accustomed to his poor treatment. Now you're waking up and seeing the real him and it isn't pretty. Which is why I'm chiming in. Don't usually post in this forum 'cause I've never been divorced. Yeah, some of his behaviors are "normal" for an angry, controlling person. But the stalking is NOT normal.

Frankly, I'm very concerned about him stalking you! Please don't minimize this. Please do whatever you need to do to block him from the ability to track the car or access the CCTV. Can he track your phone too? Change the passwords, get your own cctv account, do a factory reset or get a new phone, reprogram the car, - whatever it takes. While you're at it, change ALL your passwords for email, bill pay, banking, credit, social media, wifi, the cloud, smart TV, streaming services, frequent flyer memberships, bridge toll devices, OnStar, Alexa/Siri, ANYTHING he might access ---- then set up your own accounts if any accounts were shared to get him out of your $$ and tech. Lock down your social media as much as possible -block him. Keep in mind he may enlist friends or family members to help him spy in your social media, so minimal posting until the divorce is final with some additional cool down time seems like a good thing. And, don't want to make you paranoid, but stalker exes have been known to install key loggers, malware/spyware or other devices on computers and phones. Please talk to your lawyer ASAP about all of this, and discuss changing the locks (do this!) if you co-own or share a lease, the criteria in your jurisdiction for getting a retraining order, and the pros and cons of a restraining order while in the midst of a divorce. Know all of this sounds scary and daunting, and you're probably concerned that taking these actions may poke the bear. You must protect yourself. Your safety must come first! An angry STBX is bad enough. An angry STALKER STBX could be dangerous. Be safe.

Go no contact as much as possible. No contact means no new hurts. Kids and finances only. "Yes" "No" "Talk to my lawyer about that" are responses that will help protect you. Don't put anything in writing! You're divorcing him so no more chit chat about his relationship with OW, how horrible you are and how dare you date, etc. He's being emotionally abusive! Because he's abusive and angry, channelling all kid related communications (except emergencies) through a family planning app would be a good idea, and something to include in D agreements. And dating before the D is final.......dunno. He's a vindictive ass. Is this something he could use against you regarding child custody or other D negotiations? Denying him ammo to attack with until the divorce is final seems prudent. Suggest talking to your lawyer about that, too.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:26 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]

Hi Trix,

I don't have much to add to what has already been posted. He's displaying some narcissistic tendencies. Very classic. They can never be the bad guy, so you're the one who gets to take the blame. If he has to lie about you to others, he will and not even feel bad about it. He's projecting his thoughts on to you. (Narcissists target empaths.)

I don't know what Ive done to warrant this hate

I was going to say that you didn't do anything to deserve this hate. You don't deserve the hate. But you did do something. You found out the truth and you've exposed him for what he is, even if it's to only a few people. On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has a ton of free videos on narcissists, sociopaths & psychopaths (lots of overlapping behavior.) If you look up one of her videos on narcissistic rage, it may help make sense out of things for you. I'm not saying that he's has a personality disorder, but you may find the videos provide insight for you.

Also, his stalking behavior is concerning. Please don't ignore his behavior because I've seen some members whose WS turned physically abusive after stalking.

In the kindest way I can say this, stop listening to him. Just stop. What he says and how he feels is no longer relevant to you. We all know it hurts, and sadly, most unremorseful people behave the way he is. He is projecting, deflecting, and gaslighting you, and there is nothing you can do to make him stop. What you CAN do, is stop engaging.Go as NC as you can. If you have kids and entangled finances, allow your attorney to deal with most of it and set up parenting communication apps so you can limit the direct contact.
Eventually you'll come to the point where you have no fucks to give, but it takes time.
In the meantime, lean on your tribe as much as you can. Get out and go for walks, runs, or even workout. Find a physical way to work out the stress. Practice mindfulness in whichever way works for you. Start focusing on you. Divert the energy you used to give him into self love and self care.