SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So an update… and a bit of a rant… my husband did the taking space thing for awhile. Not quite a month and not complete radio silence but a break. He’s home now and things are better but…. I find myself not as sad anymore. Now I’m just so damn angry. And last night we actually had a really good talk. He said that I shouldn’t be worrying about his feelings and if I need to talk about it or be mean, I should do it because I need to stop being just a victim. That stung a bit but he clarified and said he would rather see me mad than mopey and I’ll admit…. I’ve been wallowing a bit. The problem I see is that when I do bring things up or I get all wound up, his natural impulse is to flee. He knows this and he’s working on it in therapy. But I’ve been stifling myself thinking I’m helping him but really I’m just swallowing all this anger and I’m stating to feel like I could choke on it. I don’t want to just spew vitriol all over him but I don’t want to be angry forever!

I had this exact same conversation with my H. I didn't want to share my anger with him because he was "doing everything right". It felt like kicking him while he was down, but it needed to happen. He needed to see what his actions had done to me, and I needed to share my big, ugly feelings.

I vividly remember sitting in the car with him and just unloading. Not screaming, not accusing, but sharing with feeling. I listed out everything, and he just sat there taking it. It was so incredibly cathartic. I don't remember if I made a list beforehand, or if the list came later, but I made sure that I shared every little thing. And I also made sure to leave the door open for more sharing later, if necessary.

Get it out. He needs to hear what he's done, and you need to tell him. It's a vital part of healing.

Another hack I learned was a version of Bataka therapy, which is used to safely release anger. There's a very particular way of doing things:

You need a soft bat (like a Nerf) or a pillow, and something soft to hit, like a bed or a couch. You also need privacy. Don't do this in front of children or animals. It's intense and can frighten them.

Grasp the bat (or pillow) with both hands and swing it back over your head so that the bat is touching your back.

With all the pent-up energy that you have, swing the bat and smack the couch as hard as you can.

During your swing, scream. Really let it out. You can issue a primal scream, or you can yell words. If you're yelling a sentence, yell one word for each swing. Remember to use both hands and to swing the bat all the way back before you hit again.

Repeat until you're spent.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:27 PM, Thursday, April 24th]

I think you should let it out. I had never felt anger like I did 6 months after D-Day. I actually scared myself. But once I learnt to let it out rather than build up it has been easier to deal with. Surely every BS has anger over how they were treated? it’s natural right?!

I have said some pretty horrible things to my WH but he said whilst they hurt but he knows most of it was true and that he deserved most of it. But I understand it can make you feel bad when you see them trying but all you still feel is hurt and anger. I remember being angry at the fact he was trying so hard to be better husband and person 😂.

I really like the suggestion Sacred made for release of rage because punching hard things is not ideal (ask me how I know 🤦🏽‍♀️).

Think of it this way: keeping your anger bottled up is depriving him of the opportunity to show you that he’s capable of facing what he’s done and giving you the support and attention that you need.

At the same time, expressing your anger doesn’t have to mean unloading vitriol on him, which would trigger anyone’s fight or flight instinct. It might be challenging but I think if you can find ways to express yourself in ways are that are frank and honest (as opposed to a verbal bludgeon) you could have some constructive conversations.