Me - WH (38), BS (36), Married 5 years, Together 12 years. ONS 9/13/25 Confessed 09/14/2025

9 Month Update

It’s been 9 months since DD. From my perspective, things are better-ish from the initial shock of it all. I’m hardly ever spiraling. I still think of my actions in the quiet moments and think of what the future may hold - a mixture of positive and negative emotions. I know regardless everything will be okay in the sense that no matter the outcome - happiness and good health are possible. I know things will be different but I am not bound to live in purgatory forever.

I’m still in therapy. Probably will be for a long time. Had to find a new therapist though, one with more experience and guidance. My BS is also in therapy. I’ve been sober since DD too. Thank goodness for NA beers. The ritual of drinking a beer is completed without the alcohol. It’s such a stress reliever. I have not used porn for almost as much time. I didn’t have a problem at least not like I always imagined people having but I did use it more times than not to help with self pleasure and I believe that was the beginning of my downfall. I haven’t contacted AP either but it was an ONS so that wasn’t going to happen. I’m doing my best to be supportive and put in the work. But that’s not enough.

From my BS’s perspective, they are at a different point in their journey of recovery (as they will always be, being the victim). My perspective and theirs are rarely the same at this point - something thing I need to remind myself of daily. They are still constantly thinking about it. Unsure if they can ever move past the constant thoughts. Unsure if the spark will ever come back for us. They told me the saddest thing about this is that they cannot get giddy about me anymore. The pedestal has been removed. They struggle with whether they will ever see me as special again. That’s hard.

They too are putting in work. Therapy, communicating, giving us the time and space to figure this all out. They are determined. They said it’s a battle between head and heart. They forgive in their head but their heart is not there yet. Hate is a word that has been used sometimes, as in they hate me by the end of the day when they had time to fester. But in the same breath, they say they know I am not a bad person. It’s a weird place to be emotionally.

It’s early and patience is required. It’s a long road ahead. There are still a lot of emotions to feel, thoughts to be had, and work to be done. But I’m still here and still trying and I do have my health. My happiness will one day follow. It may not appear to be a positive update - but it is - we’re trying, every day, we’re trying and that’s a lot to be thankful for.

0 comment posted: Monday, June 22nd, 2026

Hopelessness

Hey again,

It's been about a month since D-Day, and it's weird. There are times when I feel like things are almost normal, and then there are moments when the tension is undeniable. I’m not certain I can ever forgive myself, so I struggle to see how BS could. This is a stain that will never wash away. I think the only reason she's considering reconciliation is because of the kids and finances. I'd do anything go back in time. BS deserves better than this. I was supposed to be different. M was never meant to be this much work.

Self-help for the week: I have a psych eval on Wednesday (it's well overdue) and therapy that evening (not sure it’s good fit, but choices are limited) BS also has their first IC session this week.

The things I'm working on: showing more compassion, being open about my feelings, and giving BS space while offering comfort, though honestly, I feel so strange doing that.

The things I'm afraid of: irreparable harm to BS and her future, the same for the kids, the same for me. Not being able to forgive myself. Being a pariah. D. Never being happy with myself.

Thanks for reading,

UN86

9 comments posted: Tuesday, October 14th, 2025

Isolation/desperation

2 comments posted: Thursday, September 18th, 2025

I’m in shock of my decisions.

Hello,
I never imagined I’d be in this place, caught in the wreckage of my own actions, watching the person I love most suffer because of me. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for nearly 5. And now, because of a single night of many bad decisions, everything has been shattered.

Ultimately, I made a terrible decision. I got drunk, I got high, but none of that excuses what I did. I had a one-night stand. I take full responsibility. I don’t understand why I allowed myself to get into that situation or why I didn’t stop it. But I did it, and it’s on me and that hurts.

The worst part is seeing the pain I’ve caused her. She’s in shock, then denial, then breaks down in sobs I can’t help her through. She doesn't even feel safe confiding in her friends because she’s afraid of being judged. I keep telling her she’s the one who was betrayed and I’m the one who will be judged.

I want nothing more than for her to heal. Of course, I wish that healing could include me, but I know that might not be possible. Whether she stays or goes, I want to support her recovery in any way I can.

So I’m asking: what can I do now? Do I give her space and move to the other side of the house (moving out isn’t possible at this point)? Do I try to talk to her, or is that selfish right now? I just want to help her find a path through this pain.

- Someone with less integrity than before

18 comments posted: Tuesday, September 16th, 2025