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I'm going halfway around the world for two weeks in 2 days, under the same circumstances that my A started in last year around this time. Trying to brainstorm in advance some things that will help my BH feel reassured while I'm gone. So far all I have is leaving location services on (as always), relaying information about my travels/schedule as soon as I can, checking in at least daily during our timezone overlap, encouraging BH to message me whenever and promising to get back to him as soon as I can, and briefing him on the specific boundaries I'm putting in place ahead of time and sticking to in order to remain safe and appropriately distant from coworkers. I'm planning on going out too much because I want to focus on taking care of my body so that my mental health with be better, knocking out some things that need to be done for my career, and getting a head start on my upcoming schoolwork, that way when I return I'll be in a good position to move towards the resolution of our non-infidelity-related marital conflicts. I will be in contact with my IC through messaging on the online therapy platform, even if I can't do a session with her.

Going to ask him if there's anything else that would help him while I'm away, but I'd like to be able to come to him with a good list of my own first so as not to shift the burden onto him... So I thought I would crowdsource some more ideas BS: what helps you feel reassured when your WS is traveling?

I feel really bad because we've had a lot of marital conflict leading up to this trip, which I'm sure can look like an attempt to distance myself beforehand, even if it isn't. I felt like my options were to communicate my feelings immediately instead of letting them fester like I did prior to the A, which probably would have resulted in some silent resentment leading into going away, or communicate and try to duke it out, at the risk of looking like an attempt to distance myself should we fail to resolve issues... There wasn't really a good option.

This would be pretty rough for me. One thing that would help me, and this is what my wife does every day anyway, but just sending regular "thinking of you," "missing you," and "can't wait to come back home and be with you" texts throughout the day really go a long way for me. They don't have to be multi paragraphic novels or anything. Depending on how he would receive it, (some people think multiple texts a day are a bit much, but I'm not one of them) even a couple of single 3 or 4 word sentences a day while you're gone would show that you're always thinking about him and he's your number 1. It always perks me up a little when my wife does that.

*That's probably not something you would put on a list for him to look over. More just something you could do while you're gone that might ease some anxiety.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:38 PM, Thursday, August 6th]

Resolve the conflict before leaving?

A love letter.

Spend some time diving deep, pouring your heart out. Give it to him right before you leave.

Thanks Pogre and Unhinged. I'll do those things.

Sisoon, the plan for right now is to decouple my mental health/self esteem from his day-to-day, moment-to-moment feelings of unhappiness/dissatisfaction with whatever I choose to prioritize/deprioritize. I'm going to go away and really focus on my mental and physical health, my career, and my education for the next two weeks (optimal because I won't have to look after the child, pets, or household) and then when I come back, I'll be in a good place to just take the next best step towards catching up on everything else and towards managing my responsibilities effectively, without worrying about his feelings in the interim. When I'm doing well, he'll be happier. I don't know how long that will take, but that's the plan.