SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted my story a few months ago and we are months into R. So far, it seems promising. I did not think I would ever get over it, but now I see myself finding a way.

TLDR - Wife had an affair for 3 months. Nothing physical happened but distance stopped that. She sent nudes/texts/calls every day for 3 months. I caught the affair about 2 weeks before they were planning on meeting up. I read/saw all the Telegram messages (before I knew what Telegram was). Some of the most gut wrenching, disgusting things I've ever seen.

When I called her out on this her life came to a screeching halt. She realized the fantasy gig was up. I told her I was leaving and I would figure out what myself and our 3 kids were going to do. At this point I didn't know everything and she swore up and down she'd stop. She did stop. But she trickled the truth for months. He was a pen pal, no nudes, etc. All of that was a lie. She had AI create a photo of her and her AP with 3 kids (we have 3 kids). She was on dating/hookup apps, there was a lot for me to digest. It was all a sick need for validation. But nothing physical.

My question isn't related to the above, it's for those going through R; how do you deal with R while also almost feeling bad for your WS? I'm still deeply hurt and I try not talking about the A often, but it's constantly on my mind. My wife is in therapy and almost physically gets sick thinking about her AP and everything she's done. She was at the bottom of a serious downward spiral.

I feel sorry for her; she breaks down into tears randomly and she's ashamed. Her mother who has had numerous affairs (I did not know this) almost disowned her when it was brought to her attention.

My problem is I was lied to so much about absolutely everything. I want to trust her going forward and I see the despair in her eyes but I'm not fully recovered (it's only been 4 months). So my question is how do you balance a truly remorseful WS, but also a BS who's not over it? I don't want to push anymore because I see the pain she has is not manufactured, but I'm still not over what she's done. It's a tough balancing act.

Sorry long post and rant, but figured this was the place to post.

I never felt sorry for my wife. She willingly chose to gamble our 27 year relationship for some flirting and sexting with a married coworker. She willingly chose to gamble our family's security, for had her little escapade been discovered she could have been fired thus causing our family to lose its health insurance.

She chose to dismiss me and my feelings when I confronted her. I sat across from her, a stuttering train wreck, and she chose to sit there with her arms folded and not one ounce of empathy or regret.

I was a good husband who would have given his life to protect her, and she chose to turn to another man because she "was unhappy with herself."

So no, I do not feel sympathy for the F'ing hell she put me thru.

It's been over a year for us, and we're still together. We talked about her affair yesterday and she broke down in tears, apologizing about it. It's on my mind quite a bit still, too, and I don't hold back on bringing it up. If it's bothering me we talk about it. If I get quiet she'll ask me if I'm okay and need to talk about anything so I'll tell her. We've talked about it A LOT.

I don't feel too bad for her when she gets upset. She caused this. She doesn't, however, shut down when I bring it up. She answers all of my questions, even the ones I've already asked a hundred times. There are elements of her story that I still have some trouble with. Like her AP supposedly having ED, but at this point I know she's taking that to her grave as gospel truth, and there's some evidence that she is indeed telling the truth. He did have his prostate removed due to cancer and went through aggressive treatments, both of which are well known to cause ED. The treatments also caused his epilepsy, which was their big thing they had in common.

Of course that doesn't mean they were talking about physics, philosophy, and playing checkers the 3 times they spent the night together... what she did tell me was still really bad, arguably worse, and has created some very unpleasant images and mind movies. I lean toward her being truthful, but I guess I'll never truly know.

It does sound like your wife is caught in a shame spiral, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Maybe Hikingout can pop in here and talk about that. Shame spirals are understandable to an extent, but not really a good thing. It takes the focus off of you and your pain and makes it all about hers. Is she seeing a counselor?

You said that you kind of avoid bringing it up? That sounds a bit like rugsweeping to me. When I need to, I talk with my wife about it. Sometimes often. It came up almost every day for the first several months, maybe almost a year. We listened to the recommended audio books, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and "Not 'Just Friends'" together. Yes, she's pretty ashamed about it and sometimes cries, but she doesn't break down into a sobbing mess every time I bring it up. She keeps a stiff upper lip, answers questions, listens to me, apologizes, takes responsibility, sits with me in my pain, and does her best to reassure. She's made some big changes in her behavior and attitude, and the way she looks at friendships with men in general.

When you do talk about the affair, does it become all about her and her pain? Does she avoid it? Do you avoid it because you're afraid of upsetting her? Is she truly remorseful? If so, then she should be able to make room for your pain and be willing to talk about it and truthfully answer questions. I hate to bring this up, but you said she was on dating and hookup apps? Do you know for sure she never had any hookups? Have you had any discussions about that?

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:41 PM, Monday, June 22nd]

My W cheated because she was in terrible emotional pain. Of course I felt sorry for her. I think it's normal and healthy to feel sorry for WSes.

The problem was that I tried to use that sympathy and empathy as a way to assuage my own pain. That did not work at all. In fact, it set me back. It led to my stuffing feelings for a couple of months until I realized what I was doing and until I realized that my stuffed feelings were coming out in ways that I did not like at all.

One's WS's pain is theirs to attend to. The BS cannot heal their WS. The WS cannot heal their BS. Each of us has to deal with our own pain.

Most of us need breaks from our own pain. One thing we can do during a break from our own pain is show some sympathy for our WSes. That provides emotional support they can use to heal themselves, though there's no guarantee that's how they'll use it.

But there's a big difference between working to release one's own pain and showing support to someone else releasing their own pain.

My strongest advice is not to let sympathy for one's WS take you away from releasing your own pain.

One of the biggest areas of recovery for myself as the ws was taking responsibility for my own feelings, reactions, etc.

My husband I believe did hold a lot of compassion for me. But he too stuffed his feelings like Sissoon said, and the reality is the other big part of my recovery was taking accountability for my actions and becoming a good repairer.

Do not stuff your feelings. There are ways to communicate from both sides that can still hold compassion for one another while respecting one’s own journey through healing.

It does sound like your wife is caught in a shame spiral, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Maybe Hikingout can pop in here and talk about that. Shame spirals are understandable to an extent, but not really a good thing. It takes the focus off of you and your pain and makes it all about hers. Is she seeing a counselor?

Yeah the counselor has been an absolute angel. It was what opened her eyes especially the spiraling of lies and how damaging that was. The lies are what has prolonged R, it was too many to count. And it was only when the full story came out after she realized the damage was compounding. The books you mentioned she's read both and were also eye opening.

You said that you kind of avoid bringing it up? That sounds a bit like rugsweeping to me. When I need to, I talk with my wife about it. Sometimes often. It came up almost every day for the first several months, maybe almost a year. We listened to the recommended audio books, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and "Not 'Just Friends'" together. Yes, she's pretty ashamed about it and sometimes cries, but she doesn't break down into a sobbing mess every time I bring it up. She keeps a stiff upper lip, answers questions, listens to me, apologizes, takes responsibility, sits with me in my pain, and does her best to reassure. She's made some big changes in her behavior and attitude, and the way she looks at friendships with men in general.

Definitely not rugsweeping I have made a commitment to myself not to do that. I don't bring it up as often anymore, partially because we talk about the same things consistently and I think I've got my bases covered on exactly what happened and drudging it up consistently has not helped me as much as maybe I thought. We still discuss it often though, but recently I just found myself feeling bad. The whole story was a little cringeworthy.

When you do talk about the affair, does it become all about her and her pain? Does she avoid it? Do you avoid it because you're afraid of upsetting her? Is she truly remorseful? If so, then she should be able to make room for your pain and be willing to talk about it and truthfully answer questions. I hate to bring this up, but you said she was on dating and hookup apps? Do you know for sure she never had any hookups? Have you had any discussions about that?

The focus has shifted from what happened/investigation mode to where do we go from here. I am no longer hypervigiliant on the details and facts rather figuring out how I can individually improve as well as moving forward as a couple. It was only recently she had a major breakdown about the toll it was taking on her; the shame and guilt. She didn't do it in a way that was selfish, but it was the first time I actually felt bad for her. She's remorseful and embarrassed. She was able to compartmentalize this as "not that big of a deal" in her head during the process because nothing physical happened. But who knows if the meetup would have actually happened.

As far as the dating apps go, I bring those up to highlight her downward spiral and obsessive need for validation. No meetup/hookup happened (that is 100% confirmed), it was a dopamine rush to get likes or swipes or whatever those apps do. Just like her AP was a dopamine rush as he flooded her with over the top compliments with every nude sent.

Do not stuff your feelings. There are ways to communicate from both sides that can still hold compassion for one another while respecting one’s own journey through healing.

Thank you for this and the others that have commented, this is a great piece of advice.

She has been a relatively ideal WS once the lies stopped. I'm just trying to find the balance of improving myself as well as understanding her mental well being has been thrown off course.

It’s natural to feel sorry for your WS, empathy imagining yourself in their shoes while they have shame and regret does that.

Empathy check = system working.

Eventually it will help you if she is doing the work, or it will fade if she will not get to the point she feels genuinely sorry for you.

Pretend empathy is fibrin, it could close a wound if the two sides of it work well, or if is just one sided you can get a big, ugly, messy scar.

Your side seems to work.

Yes, I did feel sorry for my FWH....because I could see how his choices not only effected me, but also him. He once told me that he felt like a piece of human garbage for what he did.

I love him, which is why I was devastated by the A.

I know that shame is not healthy for anyone. So, I tried to express my feelings in ways that might not lead to more shame. I tried not to attack him....though he absolutely deserved it. I think the balancing act for me was expressing my feelings without triggering that shame response. I still expressed those feelings, but stopped name calling and hitting below the belt. (Again, he deserved it, but I knew that wasn't going to do anyone any favors)

Guilt, remorse....that's all good. That leads to real change. Shame, secrets, etc....that's all A risk.

4 months is NO time at all. Just survive. Take care of yourself and your kids. The rest will fall into place as it should.