SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In my college days, I once smoked pot and ate cookies and actually talked physics and philosophy with a guy friend. It was science-focused program with very few women, so a lot of my friends were male. STBWX (my boyfriend at the time) was away for the summer, and this guy's girlfriend was at work. There was zero flirting, just casual conversation.

A yeas, baked philosophy is surely something.

I’d say that with the right boundaries it is fun and (likely 80%) safe? Most of the times. Had the same, if the girl had a boyfriend we were always clear I’d never touch her, so you can enjoy the fun relaxing as with same gender buddies, and the stuff that comes out on those is pure gold

Even if that is the case though the boyfriend /girlfriend feeling discomfort is absolutely natural, the situation IS inappropriate and it is not crossing solely based on the "philosopher " trust and intention.

Those ones are if not fine, okaysh if it happens once in a blue moon (minus the sleepover possibly).

I think we can agree this ain’t that kind of party though, the op has every right to feel miserable.

Derk

I gave you an outline for a conversation with your wife in my post on your other thread. I suggest you read it and follow through with it.
I do however have less worry about actual physical infidelity after your last post OTHER than her decision to sleep over, seeing as how the villa wasn’t far away. The fact both changed dresses makes me wonder what they are expecting on these nights out. Why is the risk of getting one set of clothes wrecked/dirty so high and expected you need a spare set?
One thing you haven’t shared: What happened to the clothes she was wearing when she went out? Were they stained? Did she bring them back? Dirty? Wrecked?

I think your marriage is at a crossroads.
I might sound ancient, but with age roles change. The once-a-week going out with the friends, drinking, dancing, semi-erotic behavior, flirting, drugs, all night… Sounds great when you are 20-25 but becomes… tired… after that.
You spend 40 hours per week at work. Add the commute. Add maybe a couple of hours at the gym. Maybe some time to buy groceries. Then the chores at home. Then time spent cooking, helping with the laundry, cleaning up after dinner, tending to kids sports, homework, activities… There really isn’t a lot of time left. Weekends become a premium with maybe a couple of extra hours in bed, time to mow the lawn, visit family, spend time together… There really isn’t the time to spend a WEEKLY 4-6 hours partying with the old gang from high-school… No time to be hung-over.

On the talk with your wife:
First call the husband once more and ask if HE has any doubts or concerns, and if he’s OK with his wife spending all night with people you don’t know.

Then:
Tell your wife that you saw those messages and that conversation.
Tell her that there is nothing you can do to prevent her from having an affair or seeking excitement elsewhere. You have no interest whatsoever in being the enemy or some evil black knight that keeps her enclosed in some form of prison. If she feels trapped or that you are limiting her in some unreasonable way then she should tell you and the two of you can talk things through. You want a MARRIAGE – a union – and want to be there on equal terms. Not you as the bad cop and she the victim.
But also tell her that you do not accept infidelity. If she wants something else then the honest way to do so is to let you know and then the two of you can come to a fair agreement on how you separate.
Make it also very clear that IF she were to cheat it would inevitably come out. It could come out as a STD, as a bruise, a hickey, a message, an email, a rumor… whatever. It will come out and at that time cause devastation beyond anything either of you have experienced.
Then follow the script I gave you in the first post.

It’s immensely better for you to have the conversation NOW rather than after discovering she’s made some plans with another man, or maybe the next (or next or next or next) all-night hedonistic "let’s-hang-on-to-our-youth-despite-two-kids-a-mortage-and-a-husband reality" party where it goes that step further.

Finally:
I am definitely not a prude, but some life-decisions made me stay away from drugs when I was in my 20’s. Somehow being a cop made it hard to be snorting coke or dropping e and then arresting the dealer on the next shift…
Most of my friends did them, and some went on to battle addictions, others not. I’m not condemning anyone that takes an occasional snort, nor am I condoning it. I do however question the sensibility as a parent with kids of ingesting some substance that you have absolutely NO idea of the origin and quality of. These guys might be rich, but they don’t have a clue if their dealer (and chances are he doesn’t either…) is selling them clean coke, or with some additive to increase potency or substance to "water out" the product. I am more against ingesting POISON than I am against the drug itself. It’s just like I wouldn’t buy a bottle of James Daniels from the back of a truck simply because it had a low price.
She should be questioning herself and her responsibility as a parent at taking part in the drugs.

People who go own GNO/BNO and take spare clothing have enough opsec sense to not admit to things where it can be discovered. If you notice they both don't regret but don't actually define what they regret. That stands out to me a bit as odd. I would have expected more than just not regretting it. If it was so innocuous why would there be regrets?

Your wife knows it upset you. Rather than figure out how to soothe you, she is mocking you with likely her potential lover. Maybe not a smoking gun, but with disdain. If she doesn't change her attitude your marriage is doomed regardless of what you do.

I agree with Bigger. In today's world taking illegal drugs of any sort can be fatal. There's little illicit drugs that haven't been tainted with fentanyl. Someone with children is taking that risk isn't a healthy parent or partner.

If you notice they both don't regret but don't actually define what they regret. That stands out to me a bit as odd. I would have expected more than just not regretting it. If it was so innocuous why would there be regrets?

Your wife knows it upset you. Rather than figure out how to soothe you, she is mocking you with likely her potential lover. Maybe not a smoking gun, but with disdain. If she doesn't change her attitude your marriage is doomed regardless of what you do.

Yes! I agree fully with grubs. Your wife knew it upset you and apologized. She knew she crossed implied boundaries that you have in your relationship. The disdain and disregard she shows later seems to confirm that she really just does not care about how you view the situation. She is also starting to not discuss her conversations with others. That is segmenting off from your marriage and turning away, whether she is cheating or not. It's a fatal attitude in marriage.

I don't have suggestions on how to approach it. To me, your restraint in simply observing without confronting now is admirable. I wouldn't rush into anything.

Op the point you see made over and over is:

If your wife is keeping you in the dark and discussing intimacy or intimate things (that should only be between you and her) with another man…. You know what it is.

If she knows that you are jealous is between you and her.

Why should this guy hear that at a lunch with your wife after a sleepover with your wife and reinforce to her "you have nothing to regret and we’re doing it again next party"?

It’s spelled out

Op the point you see made over and over is:

If your wife is keeping you in the dark and discussing intimacy or intimate things (that should only be between you and her) with another man…. You know what it is.

If she knows that you are jealous is between you and her.

Why should this guy hear that at a lunch with your wife after a sleepover with your wife and reinforce to her "you have nothing to regret and we’re doing it again next party"?

It’s spelled out