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Yes she is also married with children and it appears her husband has taken her back. I'm convinced if that hadn't happened then they would be continuing the affair right now. He is telling me he doesn't know what he wants in terms of continuing our marriage but does want to support me in my pregnancy and when baby is here (whatever that may mean to him). It's so hard and I am terrified for that as in less than 6 months I will be giving birth so feels like there is a time pressure as well on decisions to be made.

Go back to my post and what The1stWife is suggesting.
Instead of giving him the power of telling you that he’s not sure about the future of the marriage and then willy-wabbling around while there is no answer, then YOU tell him that you aren’t so sure about the future of the marriage, but YOU are getting out of infidelity. With or without him.
If he decides to tag along, then that’s totally HIS choice, but it’s also based on you accepting him along too. Make it clear that the further along you get out of infidelity, the less inclined you will be to wait for him to meet your requirements.

Don’t be an option, be a priority. This is my opinion. See a lawyer. Have papers drawn up. Sit him down and tell him he has one chance to grow up or you are filing. A pregnancy is very hard on your body so this added stress is not good for your health. You are growing a baby….the only small one. The big baby you are dealing with knows right from wrong. He knows he is harming you. What gives him the right!!? This is your one life. You matter. Please remember that.

But you know him, and I don’t, so do what you can to protect yourself. He might become an adult. You never know.

Bigger is right, take control. Wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to an attorney for advice on the upcoming birth. Having boundaries established will help after giving birth. Doing that will help you in long run and will show him you are being proactive.
I would still contact the other spouse. I bet he has no clue the depth of her betrayal.

Yes she is married and her husband has taken her back (I did contact him and sent him the screenshots I managed to get) so it looks like the affair is over purely because she has dropped him. He is still speaking to her though as she apparently asked if I had let him move back in yet. He has a lot of anger towards me and is asking for his half of the money back for future events we have booked. Today I have felt the worst since I initially found out about the affair. Is it normal to feel like you are going backwards at this stage?

If they’re still talking the affair is still going on. Let her husband know asap.

Anytime you get new info it will set you back. Knowing they are still talking is a huge step back. Her husband needs to know this.

And yes, your emotions will be a real roller coaster ride for a while. This is why we are pushing hard for your to focus on you and your baby. Try meditation apps to help settle your nerves, and talk walks.

Dear Smokey15,

Yes...it is very normal to feel like you are going backwards. Please understand you have experienced what is called "Betrayal Trauma". This is actually thought to be just as bad or worse than the PTSD that those who have been in war experience. There has been literal changes in your brain. Please know you will get through this.

Also know you are precious and what he did had nothing to do with something you caused. It was altogether about character flaws in him, and the lies he told himself and believed.

I highly suggest going to YouTube and search "Dr. Jake Porter" and watch his content. He does an amazing job at helping you understand what has happened to you, and it brings great hope.

Draw near to your family, really lean on them. Also draw near to God. He is the only reason I was able to survive the betrayal I experienced. Jesus truly does understand and He will heal your broken heart. You are loved. ❤️🙏

I'm really sorry, but what happened happened.

Now it's not the crap he has been piling around his family that defines you, but how you're going to react to it and handle the toughest challenge.

Life isn't over, it's just that it's become different, more violent, but you still have hope and your have new main person - your future child.

I do not know what you will decide, but believe me, in the long run, leaving is the best solution.

You can forgive him in the evangelical sense, but you will never forget the betrayal, and this elephant in the room will always be present as long as your cheating husband is around. This is how our psyche works.

You may not be ready to take the plunge yet and hope for something, but in the best interests of you and the child, at least you need to start preparing for the inevitable right now. Don't cause any more scandals, don't warn him about anything, just tell him that the decision will be made after giving birth. Let him suffer in limbo.

Contact a lawyer and prepare the divorce papers - you will need them even if you decide to stay. Think about your finances and where you can go to live with your child.

If you have a family to support you, that's a huge advantage. If I were you, I would open up to someone I can trust (family members, friends).

Hit him with divorce when you feel ready, and he's the most vulnerable. You have to hit hard and unexpectedly.

I wish you an easy delivery and a healthy baby.

Good luck, sis!

[This message edited by LeoOmela at 1:53 PM, Saturday, March 14th]

** Member to Member **

IDK ... wanting half of the money you both spent on future events for both of you is not a sign of good partner. I urge you to consider staying only if he shows a lot of evidence that he can become a good partner.

I don't and can't know whether D or R is best for you. You may not yet know. Healing from being betrayed takes longer than a couple of weeks, and I urge you to go for an optimal resolution, even if it takes longer to figure out what that would be and how to get it.

Above all, keep in mind that disorientation, volatile feelings, a roller coaster between elation and despair are normal at this point for you even without pregnancy. You may feel awful now, and that will go on for longer than you want, but you will feel good again.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:55 PM, Sunday, March 15th]

Funny thing about human behavior is how predictable it can be.
He’s angry at you because that’s the only way he can justify to himself what he’s been doing. His snide and cheap comments about getting back money set aside for future events is his way at poking at you and thereby feeding his justification for why he’s angry with you.

By far the very best way to deal with things like this is to not feed his anger.

Like… I don’t know if he’s angry because you didn’t take him back, or because you told OM husband, or because he can’t be in the house with you, or because you are the reason (in his mind) that forced him to have an affair. But… it doesn’t matter…

Your response:

You can go be with OW, date OW, move in with OW, have sex with OW, spend time with OW... whatever. But not as my husband. I’m not waiting for you to decide what you can and can’t do. I’m getting out of infidelity with or without you. I am starting that journey. If you want this marriage then you need to let me know, as well as accept some conditions to make me believe this is what you want. If she’s your "soulmate" and so great – then believe me we are BOTH better off with this marriage being over. I’m fine with that, because it certainly beats what you are offering me right now.

(recognize that text? It’s the very same text as in my first post… But now you add:)

It’s inevitable that since you have decided to remain in infidelity and aren’t willing to commit to the vows you made to me and yourself that we start the process of ending our marriage. That is a formal process, and part of that process is a fair financial division of whatever debts and assets we have as a married couple. Plus we need to determine custody and how we each contribute to both this child and our unborn child’s financial safety. Plus, there will be costs related to my pregnancy. I’m not returning a single dime of any funds that might be mutual while the finances of the children is unclear. Don’t worry – this will all be accounted and will either be paid back to you OR deducted from whatever you might have to pay once the divorce process is over.

Remember – This isn’t what I expected nor even wanted, but it’s better than sharing you, or having to believe you are married to me against your will.

Maybe even follow that through with:

"Oh… BTW… Next Friday can you pick up Jr and have him until noon on Sunday. I have plans."

DO NOT partake in ANY arguments.
He demand the money – "I have told you how it will be. Please have in mind I’m pregnant and your antagonistic and abusive behavior can impact my pregnancy. I refuse to talk about this. If this is really important to you, then I can arrange as quickly as possible that you can contact an attorney that will represent me. Honestly I was hoping for more time before I had to hire an attorney, but it’s your call…"

He tells you that he had the affair because you (place whatever excuse here…)

"If we were working on the marriage we would need to address this issue. Seeing as how you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t any need to do so. Please move on."

And then you do your very best to remove yourself from any toxic situation. You don’t need to talk, don’t need to be there when he get’s stuff (have a friend be there), don’t need to visit… Lock his ability to get new food to feed his justifications.

At the same time: Let OW husband know that they are still communicating, and let his parents know that you are getting out of infidelity, and ask that since you are also dealing with the pregnancy that they maybe handle pickups and handovers of jr. and maybe try to get their son to cut the confrontation.

Bigger is spot on. Those are the best responses.

Also, tell her husband they are still in contact.

Thank you for all your replies please know I do see them i just haven't had the headspace to reply up to yet.

I have been away this weekend with friends so he stayed at our house to look after our child. Him being here has obviously made him think and start to realise what he has lost.

When I got home, at first he was being all normal and nice. I then mentioned our child's upcoming birthday and how I don't know how it is going to work with gift giving etc. He got upset and then went to get his bags to leave. I wish I had just let him leave. Instead I asked why he was upset and he said he thought he would have moved back in by then and be working on the relationship. He said he couldn't be expected to stay elsewhere but still be paying half towards the house and bills etc.

This has really knocked me now. I don't feel ready to have him back in the house. He hasn't shown any effort to make things right. I have spent the day worrying and for some reason feeling guilty about the exchange!!

As long as he is in contact with the OW the affair is ongoing. He has no right to return home. He has no right to pout. He is a cake eater.
I know I sound negative but the reality is he has done nothing to earn your trust. Go out today and get a pedicure or something to make you feel special.
Don’t let him put his evil on you.

Gently, do you have a lawyer? Have you consulted any lawyers?

I don't think it's a good idea to let him move back in while he's angry at you and blaming you for his unhappy living situation. IMO, a good lawyer can help you file for child support, at least, and maybe housing clothing, food, insurance, etc., too.

I don't know if he is still in contact with her now but he still works on the same site that she does.

I haven't yet contacted any lawyers but I know I need to.

I just worry about how long things take with divorce proceedings and I know here in UK its recommended we pay for mediation first. And i feel i am on a timer with having a baby in 5.5 months time and will need somewhere to live and money to live off.

Smokey15, just try to remember that whatever happens, no matter how awful things are at any given time, everything in life is temporary and the one phrase that applies to everything in life is "this too shall pass". Remember this, and keep staying in prayer and stay close to your family and friends. You need support at this time, as much as you can get, and don't hesitate to ask for help or comfort or anyone who can watch your toddler or do shopping for you, or whatever is of assistance. DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK - PEOPLE LOVE TO HELP. Most people do. If I were there, I'd love look after your toddler. Or do shopping for you. You'd be surprised at how much people are willing to do if you reach out. As far as I'm concerned you have only two priorities at this point - taking good care of yourself and your unborn child and your toddler, and.....going to a a lawyer. You do need to talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights are, both now and in the future.

I have to be honest with you, I have a very low opinion of a man who would do this to his pregnant wife and toddler. Very low regard. This is not someone of good character, nor someone I'd really trust in the future. There's never a good time for an affair but to have one at this point and to make you anxious when you are carrying a little human inside you - his child - is just terrible. If you haven't talked to a lawyer, you really should. You don't have to make a decision right now about any course of action, but you should know what is available to you, both now and in the future. You need options and support. A lawyer is legal support. As for your husband, I think people are right in suggesting use of the 180 or techniques like that to minimize and control your interactions with him. YOU don't owe him ANYTHING....he has treated you disgracefully, you and his children, and you don't owe him a damn thing, he owes you (which you should talk to the lawyer about). I think it's best if you have as little to do with him in all ways as you can except for financial support - you don't owe him any household duties, I don't think you need him in the house - that he's paying for it while living elsewhere is HIS OWN DAMN FAULT. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG - THIS IS 100% ON HIM. You have to internalize this reality - this is ALL HIS FAULT. Accept NO blame here, none.

Just focus on you and having a healthy child and taking care of your toddler. This TOO shall pass. Try to enjoy your kids as much as you can right now and minimize interaction with your husband as much as humanly possible, as others here have suggested. Do not let him aggravate or upset you, don't let him tell you to do things or what he wants. He can go to hell frankly. You do need to see a lawyer though and you probably can get free consultations to decide what to do. Believe me, most lawyers are gonna be highly sympathetic to you because nobody likes what your husband has done. What he's done is terrible, it's not your fault, this is all on him 100%. That he's angry and surly is because he knows what he's done is wrong, very very wrong, there literally is no excuse for this, he feels guilty and yet he doesn't want to accept blame or responsibility, so don't accept or buy into any of his anger. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

You can decide what you want to do later down the line but you really should know what your rights and options are, especially right now. Don't be intimidated by your husband and don't be eager to reconcile. A man who would do this to his pregnant wife and child is not someone anyone should rush back to in the future.

Smokey

You can find what is IMHO the best way to respond in my post above.
As in:

If you want this marriage then you need to let me know, as well as accept some conditions to make me believe this is what you want.

The fairness of him paying:

It’s inevitable that since you have decided to remain in infidelity and aren’t willing to commit to the vows you made to me and yourself that we start the process of ending our marriage. That is a formal process, and part of that process is a fair financial division of whatever debts and assets we have as a married couple….