SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Purple Moxie put it very well. I struggled with this same thought too, and my WW told me all the time that I was violating her by telling my friends about the affair. I carried guilt and wrestled with that, but the reality is that her affair is in the top few of single most impactful things ever to happen in my life. She doesn't get to define my story or who I feel like I need to confide it to.

If you D, the settlement could require your H to stay where you are until your daughter graduates. (My son, for example, can't move more than a mile from where he lives unless he's willing to give up seeing his son; I believe the same provision applies to his XW.) It's difficult to enforce, but your H would probably have to kidnap your daughter to move her overseas, and penalties could be imposed if he does that.

Your D probably won't want to move in her last year. If you D, you can support her emotionally in her desire to stay put, if that's what she wants.

How will you live with him if you move? He could make your life extremely miserable.

IOW, it may be better to act decisively now.

Vocalion, I think if my WS had found the humility early on to confess, ask forgiveness, and make amends to our closest family and friends, our R might have gone a lot better.

sisoon, we wouldn't make the move to Canada unless our kid also wanted to do it (she has been considering it for reasons I can't get into here). Proceeding with legal separation is the right move for the time being. I don't think he would make my life miserable because he's very sensitive to how our kid perceives him. She doesn't know about the affair, so if he starts behaving badly, he knows I could disclose the truth to her and make him a lot more miserable. Neither of us wants to walk down that road (as of now anyway).

We'll have to make a decision about the move by early spring (of 2026), so it's entirely possible that we won't have finished filing the legal separation by then and we can proceed directly to D.

My WS gets furious at the idea of me telling anyone, even my therapist. She has a lot to lose if it all comes out, and since she has never been at the center of a scandal before, she doesn't understand that it will come out eventually.

When I initially told some close friends who are going to be my support system throughout this, I had never seen her so angry. Talk to whoever you need to. Whatever has to happen to heal, make that happen. Talking to people helps greatly...it gets those hurts out of you for a bit.

AllThatJazz, wow, not telling your therapist - how is that even supposed to work? What does she think a therapist is for?! (rhetorical question)

I'm starting the process of splitting up accounts (cell phone, banking, etc.), and WS questioned if we need to tell them that we're splitting up. In some cases, we don't, but in others we absolutely do in order to avoid financial penalties.

The desperation to protect their ego is understandable, but at the same time, since a lot of affairs are rooted in validation and ego-stroking, I think it confirms the BS's fears that they haven't really changed.

Nope. He’s asking you to carry his shame for him.

That’s not your load. Drop it off. Not your problem.

My WH was actually taken aback that I told my doctor about his infidelity when I did STI testing. He at least had sense enough not to flip out or get mad, but the surprise baffled me. And then he was concerned about not being able to show his face at that office again. Not my problem.