SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, I am posting here for the first time. A few months ago my world was completely shattered when I discovered that my partner of 8 years has been living a secret double life. While he had a history of being unfaithful to previous partners, his behaviours during our relationship had always been (as far as I am aware) contained to online messaging and porn use - until now.
What shattered everything was a massive, highly disturbing escalation that went far beyond anything he had ever done before. Over the course of more than a year,his validation seeking progressed into a deep emotional attachment between the pair of them, which then crossed into intense sexual messaging - sharing graphic fantasies and past experiences for his own gratification and to feed his dopamine addiction. This systematic grooming a much younger person than himself (legal age) known to both of us ultimately resulted in physical acting out, breaking through their digital fantasy into real world behaviour, with her being a willing participant in all of this. All this has lead us to separate while we each work on our recovery and therapy.
During my own specialised coursework, my therapist has talked about 'superficial compliance vs true recovery'. She notes that an addict who presents a flawless facade without emotional vulnerability or acknowledging their internal struggles, is likely just performing compliance. This describes my partner perfectly right now. He is trying to present himself as the "perfect recovering addict" while he relies on his secondary coping mechanism of alcohol to get him through stressful episodes.
He isn't sharing a single genuine struggle; he either pretends they don't exist or is completely avoiding them because he has hidden his true self behind a mask for 25 years. The reality is that the old addictive habits are still fully active. For example, his phone still goes everywhere with him, even to the toilet.
His emotional unavailability is fairly constant. He can appear warm, positive, and connected when I am not asking for anything. But the moment I need something, or try to have a difficult conversation about feelings (either his or mine) he immediately deflects, avoids or shuts down to escape accountability.
I would love to reach out to anyone who has dealt with a partner with CSBD/sex addiction - it doesn't matter if you are still with you spouse or you have chosen to leave. I want to hear from other partners about their experiences in early recovery and beyond.
How did your addicted spouse act during the early "sober but not recovered" phases?
Did this flawless, avoidant facade and lack of empathy eventually alter as they moved deeper into specialised group work?

Thank you for reading and for sharing your journey.

Hi petal.

Unfortunately he never changed, he was a cheat when you met him, he kept being a cheat with you. All red flags were there, you only wanted to believe that he could have a true connection with you and would not abuse and hurt you.

But he did.

There’s one thing, once a heater always a cheater, is not quite true in the sense that a person can’t change (they can, profoundly), but it is true in the sense that you will never be able to force change upon the,.

They can kill the cheater and become the human version of themselves deserving love and trust.

But it must start from within.

Any outside support will always fail unless there is a primal drive coming from the wayward towards growing up and becoming whole.

Staying broken is easier, performing is soothing.

They can feed their validation both through acting in secrecy and by superficial compliance that gets praised or encourage.

But there is not truth unless is coming from within.

Hello, Petalpink. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here.

In the "I Can Relate" forum you'll find a dedicated thread entitled: "Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts." I'm sure you'll find some very useful information, insights and wisdom in this thread.

Recommended reading (from ICR topic thread #18)

1. 
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. (An essential read regarding trauma of spouses.)

2. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness. (Primer for SA education for both SA and spouse. Great first book.)

3. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness. (Nice explanation of how the process of recovery ideally works with practical advice)

4. Facing Heartbreak, by Stefanie Carnes and Anthony Rodriguez. This is a workbook for partners of SAs. (workbook)

5. Intimate Treason, Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction, by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi. (workbook)

6. The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes. (Good good book for anyone in a dysfunctional relationship.)

7. Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, by Stefanie Carnes. I consider this the "bible." It has some info that may not be pertinent to your situation but each chapter is stand alone, so to speak.

8. 
Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets, by Claudia Black PhD.

9. Intimacy Anorexia, by Douglas Weiss. (Just the book for both SAs and spouses suffering from Intimacy and Sexual Anorexia.)

10. Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes.

11. The Storm of Sex Addiction by Connie Lofgreen- a newer book but highly recommended by recent members

12. Sex Addiction by Robert Weiss. Is recommended as a book for clinicians but comes highly recommended by a spouse here.