SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How have your kids handled the process of trying to reconcile?

Mine are young adult/teen and know something is up. This is the first time I have not been open and honest with my kids. It doesn't feel good, but I am not going to share as we are trying to reconcile. They have brought up that they are confused. He hasn't been attentive to me and the kids in many years, and he is beginning to change and is working on it. They see it.

I am sad about their views on marriage. My oldest said that she will never get married. That she doesn't want to give that much of herself to someone else. (Ouch - yes, I gave everything to him and did anything he wanted. I figured if I was in control of someone's life, I would give them the best life possible.)

My middle ended his first relationship and told me that the problem is that he gave 90% and she gave 10% to the relationship. He said that her 10% stood out more and was more celebrated because it was rare when she did something for him. I feel horrible about this because he was following my model. That he was accepting lower than an equal relationship because I did. I do feel good that he is learning this lesson young and will only accept an equal relationship going forward.

I didn't mean to accept a relationship that wasn't equal. My husband doesn't have as good of coping skills as me. He has had a lot of bad cards dealt to him and became very depressed. I excused a ton because of it.

My youngest is confused. He told me that he doesn't understand what is going on. That we are either being very affectionate or fighting with me crying (when I get triggered). When my husband first started doing nice things for me, he told our son that I was stressed and he wants to help me. I wasn't happy about that excuse, but I didn't want to counter it and make it bigger. My son did see this site from afar and wanted to know if I had breast or ovarian cancer because he saw the pink. It took a couple weeks for him to let that idea go because he said that he knows we are hiding something. I hate that he has that feeling.

The kids are seeing changes. We talked about how disengaged he is with the kids. He didn't just check out of the marriage; he checked out of everything including the kids. He said that he feels disconnected and wants to do better. I am helping him connect by including him on facetime calls and daily texts. I am telling him when to text and the general idea of what to say. I don't like that I'm doing that because it doesn't feel right but he needs coaching and is doing the work. I am feeling like it's ok to do so they have a better relationship with their dad. They seem to be happy about it and are noticing it. I don't know how they would feel if they knew I was helping him. I am hoping that I can eventually phase out my help and their relationships will be better independent of me.

We have always openly discussed my husband's problems with his abuses and job loss with the kids. Unfortunately, they have witnessed/ been a part of drama with extended family which needed the openness of those issues. I have discussed his depression with the kids when they bring it up.

What feedback do you have about the whole family dynamic during the trying reconciliation period? They see things happening but don't know where it's coming from.

Our biological kids handled it very badly. She got a nasty STD from her affair partner so they were aborted very early each time. So they are dead.

Also hard to conceive.

Then we got married and adopted, so my little girl knows nothing of that and she loves us both.

She will know when she is older and ready.

The good thing is both me and wayward wife are teaching her the importance of truth, honesty, how not to be prey of shame and own your mistakes by confronting and confessing.

… hopefully some day my wayward would be able to learn this for her infidelity as well

She learned o own mistakes and shame for other things though, whic is an impressive progress knowing how she was.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:42 PM, Monday, June 22nd]

Hi ShockShattered,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll answer you as if I were one of your children.

I propose that you share what you've learned about being married and relationships with your children.

I empathize with your oldest. When I was in my teens, I swore the same - to never marry. Luckily, I met an amazing woman whom I've been married to for the last nine years - we married when I was 38. That's how long it took me to warm up to the idea of marriage. It took surviving a horrible relationship in my late 20s that was full of addiction problems (me, porn, her alcohol) and multiple instances of therapy throughout my life.

My parents had a chaotic relationship when I was growing up; you would never know if you saw them today in their 70s - they are almost the perfect couple. I don't know if there was any infidelity, but they did have a codependency situation (my diagnosis). My mom has never been healthy and has battled both physical and mental ailments her entire life. My dad, though a good man and father, was an a-hole (the kind that is proud of being one). They fought incessantly, and the tension in our house was near constant.

The worst part of my day was coming home. A few years ago, my siblings shared that they felt the same, so the terrible home situation lasted decades - I'm the oldest, being 5 years older than my brother, and 15 years older than my sister.

Three years ago, my mom was hospitalized, and we were concerned she was approaching the end of her life. Mom and Dad were brokenhearted because they were estranged from my siblings, and I was the only one who came to the hospital. I felt the obligation to no longer sweep our problems under the rug and took the opportunity to discuss our family situation with my parents, but it fell on deaf ears.

I grew up in the US but was born in a developing country. My parents immigrated to the US with me when I was a young boy. My parents grew up during the reign of a horrible dictator and the nation's recovery after his assassination. What I described as mine and my siblings' trauma didn't even register as such to either of them. My mom literally asked me multiple times, "What trauma [did any of you experience]?"

I think you are in a much better position than my parents, because you are aware of how you could have been different in your marriage.

As kids, we think our parents' relationship is the standard and have no concept that they are figuring it out as they go along. I don't think you need to explain why you're having trouble today; simply share the life lessons.

What I wish my parents had done is tell us something along the lines of - "See how we did that? That's not the way it should have been done. We know now that this is the way to do it, and we're working on making it so."

I hope that helps.

[This message edited by IThinkTooMuch at 9:07 PM, Monday, June 22nd]