SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do your cheater's family know your side of story? Or have you never got a chance to tell? What would you do? Would you tell them? Thanks!!!!!

What are the situations that you told and then regretted of telling?

What do you hope to gain from telling them your side of the story?

Reality is that people divorce. Life goes on. You can tell your soon-to-be-ex-husbands mom and brother and sister and niece and aunty all about the affairs and how he treated you. But… next Thanksgiving you won’t get an invite anyhow. He might, as his new partner. But definitely not the ex wife.
That doesn’t mean they condone or accept his behavior or think you are the cause or in the wrong. It just means that he’s family – you aren’t anymore.

You don’t win some moral battle in divorce. Your friends will support you, his family will be nice towards you and maybe even understanding. But they will go with him moving on. Hopefully there will be goodwill and compassion when it comes to family events where you all might meet – like a graduation or marriage – but that’s about it IMHO.

I think you get to tell whomever you want. Will there be valuing in telling? Maybe, maybe not.
For me, I told my family and XWS told his. (This was in the first months when we attempted R).

Local family (cousins) are still close to me and not to him - but he lied quite a bit to them and they were mad. His immediate family is 3000 miles away and they pretty quickly moved to just Christmas cards and then nothing. They liked me, but our relationship was due to the M, so it faded away pretty quickly.

I did not tell his work colleagues and that was strategic. He really did not want his reputation sullied so that was the ace up my sleeve if he reneged on some promises.

To me, it’s more important how you tell if you do. If you sound bitter or vindictive, they’ll just assume he was right when he called you crazy or whatever. So if you do, it’s matter of fact. Just this is what happened and now we are divorcing.

What do you HOPE telling will gain you?

I just hate the cheat gets to rewrite narrative and history! I want the truth to be out, and even if it means nobody gives a shit...
But, I don't know if there will be negative impact...

No, not even my side of family was ever told anything by me.

My brother knows and my mom knew, intuition, never told them, I carried shame during my ptsd.

That’s why my brother changed attitude permanently towards my cheating girlfriend, now wife.

Today I wouldn’t have a problem to tell my people or anyone really. I carry no shame as it’s all on her. I have no reason to do it unless it comes out naturally though, because I just don’t care. Not my cross to carry.

She should tell her family though, I think someday she will. I won’t, the only reason I do that is if I want to hurt them and I don’t see the point "hey! You know your daughter? She is trash!" What gives? Pain for them?

If they will know, it must come from her.

That would mean she finally owns it. She knows they may cut her off.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:11 PM, Monday, June 22nd]

hmmm, not spitefully. but just summarize what had happened. so truth is presented. so they can protect my kids, when i'm not there, but AP is.

Oh if that’s the case just mention you to keep an eye on the kids and minimize the contact with the slut.
They ask why you tell why. Dry and concise.

However, while it may help foo usually has something to do with the cheater growing up with their issues. So it might do nothing, help or even backfire.

Be careful to whom you tell. If they are his.

Wise like always. Yes the WS grew up just like their family - avoidant.

So think twice before revealing if they share his issues they might even take his side.

Look I know when you suffer an injustice and abuse you would like to shout to the world and get justice.
You will not get any from people who did not experience infidelity or worse have cheater traits (similar issues no matter if they cheated yet).

For most is easier to blame, shame or avoid the victim.

Best case scenario you get some platitudes.

Here you are heard but the outside will only hear and support you when you are healed, because you will be so strong that they will just follow your energy nodding.

The cheater will consume himself and sink ever deeper.
Give ittime

I told my close friends and my parents a lot of it. My extended family knows the bare minimum (they all wanted to know why were divorcing). He told his mom and sister because I asked him to during R. He's close to both of them, and they could tell something was wrong. I didn't think it was right for him to gaslight them like he did to me.

Eventually I had to tell our daughter (age 16) because of his behavior, though I didn't give her any details, just that he had an affair for 3 years. I told her I would answer any questions, but she only had a couple.

We have mutual friends who know about the divorce, and most of them don't know why. I'm trying to keep the peace for now, in part to get through the divorce without further drama, and in part for my daughter's sake, at least until she's more grown up and away from all this.

If you're close to your WS's side of the family, and they ask you why, I would choose to be honest but not detailed. They can ask your WS for details if they care.

It can be hard to stop thinking of them as your family if that's how you've treated each other. Another heartbreak from all this. After the divorce, they aren't really your family anymore, though. You're not going to be able to control how they behave around your kids, and it's not their job to protect your kids.

If you really think AP is a danger to your kids, compile the evidence and give it to your lawyer so you can get sue for full custody.