SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bonjour à tous,
Je viens ici parce que je suis perdu et que j'ai besoin de l'expérience de personnes qui ont vécu quelque chose de similaire.
Ma femme m'a trompé il y a 14 ans. À l'époque, nous avons décidé de rester ensemble et de continuer notre vie. Au fil des années, nous avons construit une famille, eu des enfants et partagé beaucoup de moments importants.
Pourtant, malgré le temps qui passe, je n'arrive pas à me libérer complètement de cette histoire.
Depuis quelque temps, les images de cette infidélité reviennent dans ma tête de façon de plus en plus fréquente et intense. J'imagine des scènes, je me fais des films, et ces pensées finissent par envahir mon quotidien. Elles me réveillent parfois la nuit et m'empêchent de profiter du présent.
J'ai essayé beaucoup de choses pour avancer, comprendre, pardonner et reconstruire. Mais aujourd'hui, notre couple est au bord de la rupture, en grande partie parce que je n'arrive plus à vivre avec ces images et cette souffrance.
Je recherche des témoignages de personnes qui ont été trompées, qui sont restées avec leur partenaire et qui ont réussi à reconstruire leur couple sur le long terme.
• Comment avez-vous réussi à ne plus être définis par cette histoire ?
• Les images mentales ont-elles fini par disparaître ou perdre de leur force ?
• Qu'est-ce qui vous a réellement aidé à avancer ?
• Votre couple est-il devenu plus fort avec le temps ?
J'aimerais aussi entendre les témoignages de personnes qui ont réussi à apaiser ces images intrusives qui reviennent sans cesse dans leur esprit.
Je ne cherche ni à juger ni à être jugé. J'ai simplement besoin de comprendre s'il est possible de retrouver une vie de couple sereine après tant d'années et comment d'autres y sont parvenus.
Merci à tous ceux qui prendront le temps de me répondre

Rcoda

I don't speak French - however my browser (Firefox) can translate the page quickly.

So:

What enabled me to not divorce - at the time of the cheating - was her coming home crying and begging to not be tossed to the Hyenas. Also, disavowed any physical stuff approaching coitus. It was here paramours asking for coitus that "woke her up" to the fantasy she was executing with the AP. AP was single, mostly a loser both personality and $$ - so she also realized she would likely be back to used a calculator at the grocery to make sure she had the $ to pay for what was in her cart.

That even around 4 decades ago.

It has been a bit of work to control thoughts of "not going there" to think about what she did. I sort of think of the episode of a lost person (she believed I was planning to divorce as she was not quite being matrimonial oriented in mundane domestic needs) and the "real person I married" was still there - just having to adjust to being a married adult.

Also, ever since she has constantly made effort(s) to assure and show that she appreciates me as "domestic life-partner" as well as a passionate lover. Also, she is an artist type and I'm the techie so we dovetail in facing the real world together. Also, again, she knows I am a 101$ infidelity hater and would never cheat on HER!

About a decade ago - the memories become to real and I was not able to dispose of them as I had been doing for years. We had a rough time for several months until she wrote out (decades later!!) the timeline of her cheating. When she was involved w/AP there was no Internet and no cell phones - just land lines. The way I deduced her shenanigans was tracking her time away and what she claimed she was doing as well as miles driven on her vehicle. She knew she was caught when I called AP and asked if he had recently seen wife as I was trying to find her that day. She was at the house (AP) at the time! BINGO! It was a Sunday and she showed up 30 minutes later coming into the house crying and begging - being who I am (mentally challenged at the time regarding infidelity) I capitulated and did not say bad things to her. Just asked a few questions. As noted above - got the timeline decades later when the matter just would not go to rest in my brain.

We are good now - it has been a lot of work -

The requirements: ??
No more cheating in any way, facet, kind, or possible interpretation.
Husband is number one in your life - friends and family come after
Grow up and take care of domestic chores and properly account for $$ (she had her own $$ and was not sharing)
Talk to me if there is something bothering you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But - she is still introvertive and won't share concerns UNTIL something really bothers her. Fortunately - now that we have lived together for decades - such occasion is very rare!

One thing that likely saved us - we both thought the other was a "keeper" in the life-partner sense.

Hope this helps.

One thing I did was read all I could find about "why women cheat" and also:

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. (Author)

Very concise and through treatment of how to handle trauma in life.

Another Story of someone who overcame the monster in her past:

Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love
by Marilyn Van Derbur

Marilyn is one REALLY strong woman!!!!

Thank you so much for the book recommendedation by Marilyn Van Derbur. Phenomenal read. Heartfelt thanks.

A couple of questions.

1) How well do you read English?
2) Can your computer translate from English to French?

More important, will you tell us more about your wife's Affair? How old was your W (i.e. 'wife') when she cheated? How long did it last? Were you married? If not, had you both committed to be exclusive with each other?

What did you do after the A (short for 'affair' on this website)? Did you talk about it with your W? Did you seek counseling? If so, how did that go?

I reconciled with my W (short for wife), but our situation included:

My W immediately started answering all my questions honestly
We both wanted to be married - it was a good M (short for marriage)
W was in IC (individual counseling)
W's IC (individ counselor) was very skilled and became our MC (marriage counselpr)
I got IC

At the time of the A, I was building a business. The A caused me to fall apart, which killed the business but gave us lots of time together to work through W's A.

I hope you can read English and/or your computer has a good translator.

Alors ma femme m'a trompé il y a 14 ans avec un collègue de travail de l usine ou elle travaillait a l époque. Sa a duré environs 4 mois. De début octobre jusqu'à a ma découverte debut janvier fin décembre.du porte-feuille dans la voiture. Elle a répondu a mes questio mais en minimisant ou en cachant les vérités depuis tout ce temp et même aujourd'hui quand elle me dit les choses et que j ai des reponse d autre je n arrive pas a la croire. Je l aime mais ses images obsedante me détruisent et je suis dans l incapacité de savoir si elle sont justifier ou pas. Je dit et voi qu elle est la femme parfaite ( a elle non car mon esprit refuse de lui montré que je l aime) mais aujourd'hui je n en peux plus.

Rcoda - you say:

My wife cheated on me 14 years ago with a colleague from the factory where she worked at the time. It lasted about four months—from early October until I found out (sometime between late December and early January) after coming across a wallet in the car. She answered my questions, but she has been downplaying or hiding the truth all this time; even now, when she tells me things, I can't bring myself to believe her—especially when I get answers from other sources. I love her, but these haunting images are destroying me, and I have no way of knowing if they are justified or not. I see her as the perfect woman—though I don't tell her that, because my mind refuses to let me show her I love her—but I just can't take it anymore.

Your situation is untenable long term - my opinion. I have a suspicion she has lost respect for you. That is, you have been reduced to the friendzone. I'm thinking you love the person you thought she was before the factory event. You have lived with whatever she told you for 14 years and you don't believe her? For 14 years?

Perhaps you should consider some different perspective in how you view your relationship.

Have you asked for a timeline of the 4 months? Do you know for SURE the cheating was ONLY 4 months? Did your wife ever work on becoming a faithful partner and tell you all the things she did with the factory person? Seems you have yet to find out all that occurred during her 4 months. Curious, how is it you did not detect any change in her behavior during the 4 months? Was the other person male? I'm assuming so - did you inform HIS spouse/girlfriend? How about any others? Friends/family know of this event?

I suspect you have kept the cheating to yourself with only your wife knowing what happened.

I first replied to your first post that my wife came home and confessed before I could challenge her actions. That disarmed my anger but not the hurt. The hurt has greatly diminished over time as she has steadfastly shown me to be the one chosen for life partner and has been true to our vows since. Has your wife been faithful for 14 years? Do you have any family like a brother or sister with whom you could share your pain? If not appropriate, investigate finding a personal counselor that is familiar with the traumas brought about by a partner cheating. You NEED to talk to someone - that is the way brains work to put bad thoughts in a place where they don't continue to cause you distress.

A good book to read regarding trauma:

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. (Author)

Yes, the book is available in French. It is titled Le Corps n'oublie rien : Le cerveau, l'esprit et le corps dans la guérison du traumatisme, translated by Aline Weill.The French edition is published by Albin Michel and is widely available across multiple retailers. You can find the French version on Fnac or purchase the paperback, e-book, or audiobook on Amazon France.

This is a very well written and documented treatment of the stress affects on human body. I think it would help you find solace. The latter half of the book discusses how to get out of distress from the experienced trauma.

Look into the "the healing library" - link is near top of the SI welcome page.

Rcoda

Despite having spent some weekends in Paris and done a road-trip around the Chablis area my French is limited… Hopefully your browsers ability to translate this might help you – just like it made me understand your story.

Be aware of this: The mind-movies will not go away just by leaving this marriage and your wife. You are the one having the movies, and you will continue having them until YOU deal with them.

About 15 years after I met and married my present wife I went to therapy due to PTSD.
That PTSD was causing serious issues in my marriage. I was 100% certain it was related to issues I experienced as a young police officer, but the therapist quickly saw that the main cause of my PTSD was the infidelity of my then-fiancé. She was no longer a part of my life, but I took the problems she gave me with me.
The therapist taught me methods to deal with my PTSD. It only took me a few weeks before I started experiencing the benefits.

I encourage you to seek help with a mental professional who can deal with trauma.