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I'm happily living in my separate apartment during the week, but weekends are still the three of us (WS, kid, me) at our house. WS oscillates between patience and impatience - quietly going about life sometimes, but at other times asking for affection or crying because I haven't warmed back up to him.

We had this exchange by text a couple weeks ago:

Him: I believe and have hope that you eventually will feel the truth in who I am and the value of connection. I’m willing to hold on for this.

Me: This part worries me. Can you be happy with our current arrangement? Can it be enough for you? Or are you going to spend years holding on and hoping that things change in the direction you want?

Me: I would like to be at peace with my present circumstances. If you're going to be part of those circumstances, then I will need you to also be at peace with the way things are. If belief and hope in a different future is what keeps you with me, that sounds to me like a recipe for present unhappiness and future resentment. You've already indicated a degree of frustration and grief that I'm not responding to your changes in a positive way, and you make it very clear that you would like more connection, intimacy, physical touch, etc., so I don't think my concerns are unfounded.

Him: I struggle with how to respond to this. You threaten to cut me out if I’m honest with my feelings, but if I'm not honest with my feelings then I’m not being honest with you. I am unwilling to do that. I am not ok. If you were to leave me it would be infinitely worse. I do not want that life. I still believe we can have a wonderful life together.

Him: You said you need rest. I love you. My life is better when you are near, and I would much rather face the world with you by my side. The only acceptable option for me is to wait, do my best to give you the space you need, try to keep feelings of rejection at bay, and hope we both stay open minded and keep communicating.

Me: I'm sorry it came across as a threat. I was trying to state what I feel like I need right now. I'm grateful for your honesty, and I'm not asking you to be dishonest at all. Let me try to explain my feelings in a more clear way: I struggle with the present relationship dynamics and I worry about the future. I know the latter isn't useful, but even the present is sometimes very hard. I feel bad that you're in pain, and I know that my lack of affection is creating that pain.

Me: The bottom line is that the old feelings are gone, and it doesn't bother me that they're gone. I have had a lot of practice over the past 4 years in letting go of things that used to matter to me, and being at peace with their absence.

Do I stay the course or file for D over summer break? It's been 2.5 years, and for the past 9 months or so, I've felt nothing other than platonic caring toward WS. When I look at him, I don't think "ah, there's the man I love," or anything like that. He's just a guy who is part of my family through our kid and our legally bound marital status.

How do you know when it's time to call it quits? I've given myself a deadline: either file this summer, or wait until after our kid is done with college applications (less than 2 years away). I'm coming up on that first decision point, but I really don't know what to do. Stay married because WS is willing to stay, even if it makes us unhappy half the time? Or file and make everyone miserable for a while (including our kid), but maybe put us on a better path in the long-term?

What do you get out of staying married?

About 5 months after my last DDay I woke one morning in a peaceful and well-rested state (which was very rare at the time) and I tried to clear my mind and connect to a higher power. In my brain was the question, "HP, how can I best honor my one wild and precious life?" It was crazy (I'm not very religious at all) but the answer came in clear and immediate: "Be Happy."

It took me only a month or two from that point to figure out what "being happy" looked like to me, and when I interacted with WH it became clearer and clearer.

When you know, you know. D is scary, I have had some bad days of feeling all alone in the world (my parents are both dead) but those days are getting fewer. It seems terrifying to be D'ed, but it's not so frightening once you are actually doing it.

Strength and health to you, NoThanksForTheMemories

Good question!

Can there really be pure feelings as you wish to feel for your spouse, after their sordid betrayal of your relationship? I don't have any answer to that, but from my own experience, those kinds of worshipful feelings are forever going to be "over with" as you move on through life, no matter which choice you make, D or IHS like I'm in. Maybe consider such feelings were basically an early-marriage phase, induced by hormonal factors and supported by trust? I have no experience indicating you can expect to ever regain that state, BUT there is no guarantee that Divorcing will improve your life, either! Sucks.

You’ve got the visiting schools and bundling her off to college coming up. One of the big life moments that you and WH both probably want to be part of.

If you divorce now, and each of you picks up a SO by college time, well, there are going to be a lot of people in the car.

Divorcing might be the best thing for your relationship with BH, but that relationship is not all of your life.

What is best for your life? For his life? For your daughter’s life?

It just sucks, and I’m sorry you’re having to figure something out that you shouldn’t have to.

I knew it was time to end the M when my feelings for him never came back. I felt repulsed by his touch or any intimacy. I had been in limbo for many years after False R "keeping the family together." I also knew it was time to end the M because it was coming at a cost to my mental health. I knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life feeling the way I did.

If your main concern is your child, I would say file now. Just getting started at college while your parents are in an active divorce I think would be harder than starting college with newly divorced parents.
Just what I think would have been better in my own shoes.

SacredSoul33:

What do you get out of staying married?

1. Financial savings (divorce is costly; we'll have to liquidate 20 years of investments, possibly sell the house)

2. Physical support - I'm disabled, and WS helps with my wheelchair, running errands, long drives, taking care of kid if she gets sick, etc.

3. Avoiding hassle - again, because of the disability, the process of divorce (seeing a lawyer, packing up my stuff, making a lot of decisions) will add lot of stress on my already poor health

4. Joint family time - as Formerpeopleperson said, there are milestones with our teen that will be easier to navigate as a family than separately (or with new SOs, though that is not on my radar)

5. Emotional stability for our kid - she's doing a lot better than last year, and she seems pretty happy right now, so I'm afraid of creating new problems/stress for her

Now all that being said, I also know that these are manageable problems, and I will be able to deal with them as they come, but I'm also tired after having dealt with so much over the past 4 years (loss of health, the ddays, teen's emotional problems), so part of me just wants a break from it all. If only WS could really give me a break, but he does not seem capable, no matter how hard he tries.

gray54:

HP, how can I best honor my one wild and precious life?"

I have asked myself this, and my answer is "be a kind and compassionate person." Sometimes it's hard to know how best to do that, though, and in being kind and compassionate to everyone else, I start to burn out. I need to be those things to myself too, but what happens when that conflicts with people I care about, like my child?

OhItsYou:

If your main concern is your child, I would say file now.

I hear this from a lot of people, but I also hear the opposite (that teens are more likely to act out, have problems at school, etc., when their parents divorce). I'm honestly not sure how ours would react. She is autistic and tends to follow rules and is very well behaved, but she also struggles with anxiety and depression and has already missed a lot of school.

NoThanksForTheMemories,

I think by being kind and compassionate to yourself first, those things will then flow organically into the other relationships in your life. If being kind to yourself is staying with the caretaker/WS you have then that is right for you.

I have come to think that the person we were given to care for first in life was not our kids, but ourselves. Caring for our kids is easy, comparatively speaking, but loving ourselves, treating ourselves with compassion, that is not so easy.

We separated when our youngest went off to college and D'ed as his first year is ending. He says he was glad it worked out we split when he was leaving home to live on campus because things were busy/exciting for him and he was distracted by his new life. He is processing it all slowly, but he is active, social, and doing well in school. He has a long-term girlfriend to help him emotionally. My elder son still lives at home with me (he has autism and ADHD) and he has more resentment toward his father. But they spend time together, and he needs his Dad. Each time exWH does something to help his son out, son is unbending a little. It will take time, but it helped that exWH was honest with his (adult) sons about his addiction and betrayals on my dday. No secrets I had to keep from them.

Not making a decision at a specific time is also something you have the right to choose. The journey isn't linear, and you can waffle or be in doubt as many times as you need to. Ultimately, WS can learn to accept what the relationship is now and it isn't your job to help him do that. If he CAN accept what you are okay with, and stop pushing for what HE wants, who knows? It might lead you to considering something more relationship-like down the road. Just don't suggest that to him :-p

Both my kids were teens when I left my xWS and they both struggled for a few years until it settled out now they are thriving and everyone has adjusted to the D. I think it is like this with any big change in life.

It’s time to cut your husband loose.

If you were the WS, no one would hesitate to say that it’s unfair to stay merely for your own convenience. Even though you’re being completely honest with him about your feelings, he sees your decision to stay with him as a reason to hope that you can have an intimate, loving relationship with the future.

Your husband is certainly responsible for the state of your relationship today, but it’s clear that he expects more than just a marriage on paper only, particularly if you still have an expectation of monogamy.

Getting divorced will present many challenges, of course, but your chances of getting through it peacefully and with minimal damage are better now, when you’re still able to communicate somewhat amicably, then if you wait for your husband to reach his breaking point.

(Edited to rephrase for clarity)

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:26 AM, Thursday, April 24th]

If he CAN accept what you are okay with, and stop pushing for what HE wants, who knows? It might lead you to considering something more relationship-like down the road. Just don't suggest that to him :-p

Perhaps, but I kind of doubt it. I'm really liking having my own controlled space (he is ADD and there is a lot more chaos in his spaces). Plus, it took him 17 years of marriage to cheat the first time, and 22 years for the LTA, so I'm going to be waiting a long time for the other shoe to drop. Trust is nuked after false R and 4 ddays. Bedroom is deader than a rock (and it's no longer physically possible for me to revive it). There's not a lot to rebuild a relationship on outside of family ties - kid, taking care of our parents - and finances.

I'm ok with mutually supportive partnership, at least for now, but he really can't stop with the pushing, and it's driving me nuts. His therapist suggested to him that if he gives me space, I might be able to get closer to him, but he really seems incapable of it. He was anxiously attached to his AP as well, so I maybe this is just how he is?